anxiety

My children are trying to do me in.  For the last week, Jessie has been clearly upset about going back to preschool on Friday.  She’d cry and cover her face every time it came up.  Well, today was THE day that she went and she howled all the way there and clung to me like an orphaned baby gorilla to the fur covered wire ‘mom’.  I peeled her off and put her in the arms of one of the teachers who held her by the window so she could wave goodbye to me.  Really it was more of a reaching out with all her might hoping I’d grasp her hand and pull her to the safety of my car, than a wave, but I think we all enjoyed it.

After I was at work for awhile this morning, I got a call on my cell.  I was honestly thinking it was Jessie’s school and that she had continued into a melty pile of drool and tears and they wanted me to come get her.  It was not.  It was Gavin’s school calling to tell me that Gavin was marked absent for the day.  The same Gavin that I hugged and said goodbye to at 8:30 just before bringing Jessie into school and reminded him that he had to leave soon (9:00) for school.  Now, if I don’t feel on edge enough about this new found responsibility for Gavin, I’ve got the school social worker calling me and finding out that I THOUGHT he had gone to school.  Yes, I feel like a rotten parent.  They’ve called our house and no one has answered which really does throw me because I evidently still think Gavin is a simple little child and would answer the phone if he were there.  I do not think he is a seasoned little hooky playing pro that would let the phone go while the world is trying to find him.  With images of Gavin laying mangled on the road and wondering if I could call the police with a missing person report so that THEY would check all the hospitals for a 9-year-old john doe admitted, I jumped into my car and headed home. 

Upon arriving home, I see two cars in my driveway.  The principal of the school and that same social worker had driven to our house from the school to look for him.  Now, I’m amazingly touched by this, very very grateful, and BEYOND embarrassed thinking they will want to come IN the house and see how messy it is.  Plus, they note that his backpack is in the kitchen so they’ve seen part of the house from the back door.  O – M – G.  Bad parent award nailed.  I run into the house (they courteously hang out in the driveway, THANK GOODNESS) and look for my precious boy.  He is sitting on my bed with my laptop playing on the computer.  No blood anywhere.  Not even a scratch.  Now, yes, this is the BEST possible outcome for the event, but now that I know he is safe, I’m gonna kill him.

He says that he wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t go to school and I say you can’t just NOT GO, you have to call people.  The PRINCIPAL is outside our house right now looking for you.  I run outside, tell them he is safe (sort of) and that they can go.  I go BACK in and make sure he is getting ready to go to school.  Because he will be biking home, he will need to bike in, but I’ll be following with the car to make SURE that he makes it all the way there.  I walk into the school with him and he is very sullen.  We go to the office and check him in and the school nurse (whom hates me because I threw the Minnesota Civil Liberties Union at her because of her ‘In God We Trust’ poster in the nurse’s office) makes a huge deal about it and more specifically about ME and how I’m being so calm and have I even TALKED to him?  Then she says that Gavin AND I need to go talk to the social worker about what he just did.  Oy.

Well, the social worker’s office is across the hall from Gavin’s classroom.  The kids are not there, they are at gym, but his teacher is in the room doing something.  The social worker’s office is closed so I get to talk to his teacher while dropping him off.  She makes me feel better right away (Although I still feel bad) and I love how she talks to Gavin.  I explain that I think he has spelling test-itis and she said she thought that was probably what was going on.  I do hope his test goes well but in truth he refused to put much effort into practising as he is convinced that he can’t learn the words.  Ya, gotta figure that part out.  Well, the social worker is too busy so we can’t talk to her and I have to get back to work.  Gavin really wants to just join his class – I’m certain he didn’t understand what a huge deal it was to just not show up to school.  We decide he can go to gym class and meet with the social worker person later.  We (the teacher and I) walk him out to the field where the class is playing soccer and I head out.  BTW – on my way to the car I watch him run and play soccer in the best of health.  Ya, spelling test-itis.  Gavin will be quite grounded for awhile but I do hope that is the end of it from the school.  I’m pretty sure that if the school nurse could make my life difficult, she’d jump all over that.

SO…. there I am in the neighborhood of the preschool and it is still lunchtime from work.  I can’t help but to steal some time to head over to the preschool and see how Jessie is doing.  I’m planning on covertly observing her.  It does work as I find a place to stand where I can watch her in the reflection of the window on the door and she can’t see me.  She’s doing wonderfully and eating lunch and having fun.  She even told her teachers happily that she drank all her milk and they gave her some more.  Then it was outside time and all the kids were sent to the hall to get their shoes and, um, I got caught.  I was scared that if she saw me it would be abandoment city all over again but I just held her hand as she walked in line with the kids to the door to outside and she waved (a real wave) goodbye to me as she ran outside to play.  Ug girl, why all the dramatics earlier???

So, I DID get my pumpkin coffee yesterday, but I got the decaf.  I couldn’t manage the caffeine, or, more to the point, I couldn’t manage the caffeine guilt.  Too much parenting guilt in my system already.

We are 9 weeks today.  Countdown on the shots is only 3 weeks left!  I am soo looking forward to it.  One of the BEST parts about not doing the shots will be the time I get back.  I HATE HATE HATE sitting reading in my bed or whatever after I’ve gotten the kids to sleep and they are really asleep when I want to just shut off the lights and go to sleep but instead I have to get OUT of bed, prep my shot, and do that.  Since our next appointment is in just under 3 weeks, I do not believe we will be tapering off.  I think it will just go from 3ccs one day, to 0 ccs the next.  I’m not sure what I think about that but in light of all the other chaos from today, I’m not gonna sweat it much.  That nurse at the school thought I was being so calm and cool.  She doesn’t know me very well.  I always look like that, even when I’m so anxious I could turn my head inside out.   Especially in a case like that though.  I mean, I was anxious on my way home to find out what happened to him.  By then, at the school,  I knew he was safe and that was the big thing to me.  Maybe not to her, but it was to me.

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3 Responses

  1. I’m glad he seems to have a great teacher. BTW, you were in 5th grade before you decided it helped to study spelling words! Mom

  2. IM BAAAAAACK!!!
    Yay sister! COngrats on the twins! Holy crap~! I can’t even imagine!
    You are so cute in your blog with snooping on Jessie and Gavin playing on the computer!! Ha!! Tell him I played hookie but it helps to wait till you can drive so you can go places!
    I will tell him when I come home over New Years! So Erin and I and her boy bought tickets from Dec 30- Jan 3rd. WANNA GO OUT WITH US ON NEW YEARS?????????????????
    Love you!
    Beckey

  3. Sorry to hear that the kids are giving you such a hard time. Especially because at 9 weeks you’re probably a little tired and not feeling all that great anyhow. I hope that the spelling test-itis is resolved and that Jessie’s preschool happiness continues.

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