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big search hit day…

“Belly shot porn”  Maybe I’m naive, but I honestly didn’t see that one coming.  But hey, there was only ONE search hit under those words so how bad could it be?  Hopefully, very very hopefully, whomever it was became extraordinarily disappointed with my site.

Another search hit I got was along the lines of  “still bring baby home after stillbirth”.  My page with Anily does bring in some search hits on that and for those people I hope that my story can help some.  I know for me I felt like the biggest freak in the whole world for having something so “unheard of” happen to my family.  Learning it wasn’t so very unheard of helped a lot with that.  Although… that sucks too… it SHOULD be more unheard of.  Anyway, I reread my page because I didn’t remember if I wrote anything about bringing baby home after a stillbirth or not.

In truth, we DID bring Anily home eventually.  We talked to the funeral home and asked if we could host part of her funeral at our house and they said yes.  We drove in, picked up Anily in her casket, and brought her home.  It was incredibly healing and I’m glad we had the chance.  Gavin got to see her and know that she was really really dead.  I got to carry her around her home and show her the family that loves her so much.  We got to hold her one more time.  I got to find out that they had taken OFF the cloth diaper that I had picked from the collection I had hand made for her and put on a disposable one – AND I got to replace that cloth diaper for her burial.  No never ever biodegrading pampers was going to be sitting in her casket with her for all of time.  We got pictures of her in her own home and I have memories of where she was here.

No, that never made up for leaving the hospital empty handed.  I will never forgive the person that forced me to put the flowers on the cart and wheel them out next to me instead of letting me carry them.  It did help to make her feel more a part of our family.  I enjoyed the extra, and very private, time to really say goodbye and to decide what would be buried with her from us.  It was a chance for me to be her mom and to do something important for her.

I’m trying to think of a good transition from that and I don’t really have one.  I just felt it was important to say that I DID actually bring her home as I hope anyone who has to go through that would know that is an option.

I spoke to the doula that I worked with for my last two deliveries.  She was SOOOO excited about helping out at a twin, gestational carrier, two father birth.  I knew she would be… I mean.. by nature I think all doulas are required to be hippie chicks that would be thrilled by something like that.  Still, I’m glad that she’s very into it.  She DID mention that the hospital I’m planning on delivering at (because it is my only choice with the OB I’m using and I’m pretty attached to him) does require twin deliveries to be in the OR.  THAT is something I’m going to have to start working on my OB regarding.  I don’t know how anyone could be relaxed enough in the OR for labor and I REALLY don’t think they want to try to wheel me down the hall to the OR from a regular room at pushing time.  This part I know because I have a tendency to go from 5 cm to Hey, look, there’s a baby in the room in about 3 seconds flat and I fully admit that there is no way EVER that I would be able to hold back on pushing if there’s a baby headbutting his way out.  They try to move me and what they will get is a baby born in the hallway.

It was good to talk to her though and it totally reminds me of how much I love having a doula – someone who is like-minded to me and my birth ideals – there to coach, guide, and stick up for me.  I really hope she and the guys get along!


2 Responses

  1. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you may find it unlikely to deliver anywhere other than the OR with twins.

  2. All my friends who had twins vaginally (weirdly, I have three) didn’t mention anything about the OR.

    I’m so glad you got to put the diaper you made on your baby. So sorry you had to.

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