Feb 23rd – Anily’s day

Today would be Anily’s 6th birthday.  Normally on her birthday, I take the day off to put together a little gift for her and get some flowers and a card to leave at the grave site.  Ft Snelling doesn’t allow anything other than flowers and even there they are pretty strict so they collect anything else you leave there and donate it.  This is fine with me as I’d rather think of anything I get her being ultimately donated and used rather than just sitting at her grave site until I had to go clean it up.  Anyway, due to a big upgrade at work and some other things, I was not able to take today off.  This is the first day since she was born that I will miss.  I think I’m OK with it though.  I’m actually thinking I can wait until her burial date and head out to her grave site with the gifts then… it will be warmer and hopefully not as snowy then.  I plan to grab a cake on the way home today and we’ll sing happy birthday to her at home tonight.

When we first lost Anily, Kris’s grandmother shared a story about a little one that she lost during birth.  It really touched me on her emotional attachment to the little one that she lost and how long it had been since she lost him.  Actually, it kinda scared the crap out of me if I’m really honest.  I didn’t LIKE feeling as completely horrid as I was feeling right after Anily died and the idea that I would feel her loss as vividly 80 years down the road as I did just then was akin to hearing that I was going to be that freak that lost a baby and couldn’t ever get over it for the rest of my life.  I mean, I loved that she shared about her son and it felt good to hear that I wasn’t the only person in the world to experience such a loss so I was glad to have talked with her about it… it was just so damn sad.

Now, 6 years after the fact, I can see a little bit better where she was coming from.  I am passionate about how I miss Anily still.  I can easily cry about her (Although that may be because I can easily cry at Folgers commercials too) and she is and will always be a part of our family.  That said though, it isn’t so critically SAD as it was at first.  Crying isn’t all bad, really.  Loving her isn’t a bad thing.  It certainly doesn’t take away from just plain living my life or anything.  I guess you just get used to it.. something that is always there.

I do have to say that I was worried about being hugely pregnant over her birthday.  Last year right at her birthday I had plans to drive to a friend’s house for the evening.  It wasn’t a big deal but for some reason I had a LOT of anxiety over it.  I was really nervous about the drive and I was totally convinced that something was going to happen and I’d be in an accident and leave my kids.  It was really irrational and frankly, scared me a great deal.  That kind of thing is quite out of the ordinary for me and the fact that it was happening suggested that maybe it really WAS a premonition of some kind.  Well, I was talking with a co-worker of mine before leaving for my friend’s house and I kind of jokingly shared how nervous I was to drive.  He pieced together the connection of the date and losing Anily and my anxiety and wow – that was a huge revelation to me.  To think that my brain had worked like that and it had never even occurred to me to connect the two.  After pointing out the reason for my anxiety, I was much much better.  I did, in fact, make that drive and obviously nothing bad happened that night.

This year, I was awake last night at 3:30 AM which is about the time that I woke up with Anily leaking very bloody amniotic fluid.  I was awake because Asher was calling for me (not too uncommon, hopefully he will get better sleeping habits soon.)  I wasn’t worried or anxious about this pregnancy like I thought I might be with the timing correlation.  Mostly because they were moving around really well, although I hadn’t been thinking my concern would be exactly rational.  Then, I had the NST that is regularly scheduled Mondays which also provided reassurance through the day.  Overall though, I just don’t feel that… emotional… about today.  Odd, really.  6 years though, that is getting out there and these things ebb and flow I’m sure.

Well, happy birthday… or… happy stillbirth day, I guess, to my very missed little girl Anily.

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2 Responses

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how you must feel to remember your precious little one each year on her birthday. Big hugs to you.

  2. I’m so sorry.

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