Just one day away from “preterm”

One day away from 32 weeks.  32 weeks means the twins would be defined ‘preterm’ vs ‘early preterm’.  Plus, if they are on the heavier side (which they are),  they’d be pretty healthy.  Of course, I’m not anticipating going now.  I’d really like to make at least 34 weeks so that I can use my hospital.  My guess on the babypool game was April 16th… we’ll see how that goes.

I finally got around to talking more details about the nursing/milk supply concepts with the guys.  Plenty of surros pump and deliver milk to the babies they birthed.  I was very committed to nursing my own children so in theory I’d want to be able to help these boys with milk.  The problem is reality and my ability to produce milk for a pump.   My body just does not respond to a pump the way it does to actual nursing.  I know there is no way I’d be able to supply milk via strict pumping to TWINS for anything over, say, 3 -4 months.  Beyond ability, I don’t really want to have to spend time at work pumping so if I’m only planning a couple weeks off, that means a very limited pumping timeframe. 

The other side of that is that I’ve been through having to allow my milk supply go with no baby to nurse.  It was very traumatic due to obviously different circumstances.  Knowing that you’ve got this milk that a baby could use and you aren’t giving it to a baby is emotionally draining to me.  At the time, I’d have been willing to pick up babies in the grocery store and just start nursing them.  Having nurses and lactation consultants call me from the hospital asking how nursing is going both helped and hurt at the same time by providing a painful reminder and yet an oddly humorous relief.  How is nursing my dead baby going?  Well, it’s pretty rough seeing as she is buried in a coffin and digging her up every 3 hours is a lot of work and her latch is miserable.  No, I didn’t really say that.  If I had though, I’m pretty sure the poor nurse would never have made that mistake again.

Anyway, my point is that I KNOW I won’t like the initial timeframe of having milk and not sharing it.  My ideal would be to nurse and even pump a bit right in those first couple of weeks and then to allow it to tapper due to not consistantly pumping through the next two weeks.  Part of that ideal would be simple closure and the ability to see the pregnancy come to a full end with nursing and then seeing the babies go off to their home.  Even just the act of trying to see if I even could manage comfortably latching on two babies at once and the experience seems to be part of the dream of being pregnant with twins.  I also have a need to get my uterus to shrink back down and nursing does a hell of a job with that.  All things considered, my history, emotions, physically, everything, not having those few moments will not sit well with me.  Really all things considered though, I’m not the only member of this village making these babies. 

As it turns out, the dads are not comfortable with me nursing the boys… at all.  I’m OK with that as they are allowed to feel however they want to about their own boys.  I’m OK with that to the same extent that I expect to be OK with being a bit let down about that.  Que sera, right?  I’m reserving the right to hope that just maybe after the boys are here and P and J see that they are REALLY their boys and there is NOTHING that could take them away from them or change that ever… maybe then they will change their minds.  I know once Gavin (my first born) was here there were a lot of things that I changed my mind on.  I was dead set on having the baby spend every single moment in my room, hell, in my arms, while at the hospital.  The nursery was for those really crappy parents that were circumcising and STD vaccinating the newborn and not nursing and not cosleeping (which also didn’t work for us) and eye gouping and, ya know, voting republican.  (If I did not manage to offend you just now, please let me know and I’ll try to fit that in with the next post.) Once Gavin was here and I had been up all night giving birth to him and then up all the REST of the night and the rest of the next day trying to nurse this 9 pound 7 ounce baby that was intent on causing blisters and nipple trauma ASAP after birth or CRYING at me for putting him down… once that happened I found myself calling in a very nice looking nurse to take away to amazing nursing gigantor baby and give me a moment to SLEEP.  So see, just maybe they will change their minds.  Stranger things have happened.  If not, I’ll still manage.

Some things that I have some more control over – we’re going to see if we can get a regular L&D bed into the OR if they are going to force me to be in the OR for delivery.  Then we could pull in the squatting bar.  I’m not certain this is going to work for me or that I’d even be able to try using it.  I’d like the option though and it would make me feel more in control of the whole “OR” thing and help ease my anger at being pushing into something I don’t believe in.  I also found out that my doula actually thinks I’d be able to get them to do a Csection without the sheet hung that would prevent me from seeing what happens… in case a section ends up being needed.  That would be good because as dumb as it sounds, the majority of the reason I would be really upset about a section would be that dumb sheet keeping me out of the action.  Hell, if they’d let me I’d want to be the one to pull those babies out of my uterus in the section.  All the same, we’re all still hoping for a head down baby A!!

Now I just have to see if I can find a way to get comfortable in these horrible chairs in the training room at work so that I stop having contractions and a really tight belly after a hard day in the training room.  I’m honestly tempted to claim bad seating options as a valid reason to head home early and catch the rest of this class online.  That and I can’t get my feet up anywhere and they are swelling like mad due to this.  Ick.

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6 Responses

  1. 32 weeks! You are getting so close-only 8 more weeks at the most!!

    Based off of what I’ve read, I would emotionally prepare yourself to not nurse the babies. They could always change their mind and then you’d be thrilled, but I don’t honestly think that they will and I don’t want it to be something else that emotionally creeps in on you. There are so many things that come up after the birth that you have no control over, so please try to be prepared to not nurse them.

    That being said, I would definitely pump just for the benefits to your body. You could check with your local hospital and see if they’d be interested in the initial milk, then you’ll know it’s going to someone AND helping your body. I swear I am still feeling my uterus contract when I pump and I can’t imagine how long it takes if I’m not pumping.

    Knowing that you’re not going to do it long term also makes it easier to just ‘flow’ with whatever you are able to pump (or not pump). There’s no worry about trying to build a supply.

  2. I didn’t mind the sheet for the c-section. Really, it wasn’t something I wanted to see. I have some pics and no, seeing my internal organs, no.

    I understand the conflict about the milk. That’s a hard one. It’s good for you to make milk as part of the healing process, at least for a while. Pumping is hard work, though. Even if you can get some colostrum in them by finger that would be so good for them.

  3. Wow, 32 weeks already. Way to go!

    I can see how the guys would be uncomfortable with you nursing the babies. Nursing is a huge bonding experience between mother and child, and that could kinda interfere with their bonding with the boys. Are they interested in you pumping milk for the boys?

    On the other side, I completely understand your desire to nurse, especially for your own physical benifit. I completely credit nursing for my losing all the baby weight (and a couple more pounds too)!

  4. I agree with Jeanette — the guys might be uncomfortable with that. I donated my extra milk to the Human Milk Bank at the Children’s Hospital. I have more info if you want it. Jake had so many digestive issues so I switched him to breastmilk to formula. During the transition, I was afraid of losing my supply so I kept pumping for awhile. Since he did so well on the formula, I donated all the rest of that milk. The Milk Bank makes it very easy for you. I got the info from Kristina — she did this too. Most of the milk donated gets turned into a human milk “formula” — and used for preemies. They are able to digest it so much better than cow’s milk.

  5. As always, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs, Robyn. I have been with your every week during this prenancy. Do whatever you can for your comfort and health benefit, and find smart alternatives for whatever you are not allowed to do. I agree about the bonding aspect and nursing. But I would love to know you are not letting that wonderful milk go to waste!

    Offend? you??? Ever???? Nah!

    • Thanks Bonnie! I love seeing your comments. I check back at SYD from time to time just to see how everyone is doing. I can’t WAIT to get back into all that again!

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