What, me judge?

I’d like to take today to work on breaking down something that has been going through my head.

Last Wednesday we had our meeting with Jessica the doula.  Now, I really really like Jessica, but she kept commenting on something that kinda bothered me and I didn’t really understand why.  I’ve been trying to figure out why it didn’t sit right ever since.

Jessica, from what I can tell, is over the moon about this situation.  She loved meeting the guys and she is just as infatuated with them as I was when we first met.  Now, before you go all nutty on me, I only say ‘was’ because I don’t think you can be ‘infatuated’ with someone that you really know.  No one is perfect and once you are beyond that initial first layer of meeting someone I don’t think ‘infatuated’ applies.  I think the guys are really good people and are very committed to each other and they have great hearts.  I am beyond thinking that they are simply two of the most adorable gay guys ever anywhere.  They ARE that, but there is more to them than that.

I THINK that difference is where some of the discomfort of what was said comes from.  At least, initially I did.  In her enthusiasm, she kept repeating how happy I must be that these babies are going to such a great family and home.  Such wonderful guys.  Such am amazing atmosphere to their house.  That must really make me feel great and relieved.  Well, in truth, I DO think it is great that they are so committed to each other and I DO think they are great people and I DO think they have the means to give their children a lot of opportunities.  Clearly they are committed to having children but that is a given of pretty much anyone that would go so far as to have a surrogate in order to start a family.  I mean, when you dream of helping a family to BECOME a family through surrogacy, it is kinda a given that the parents in said dream are very much WANTING to be parents.  But beyond that, as real people in the real world, I expect them to be blown over by parenting just like everyone else is.  I see them as I see most “to-be-first-timers” which is a bit nieve about parenting in general.  This isn’t news to them, certainly.  I make fun of them about it regularly.  I just think to what my doula was saying that while all these things that she was noting WERE great about them, it doesn’t equate to ‘the’ perfect parents and thus I wasn’t really into gushing about future parenting abilities based on the evidence of a very trendy dining room set. 

At least, that is what I was thinking.  Then I got to thinking more about it.  Really, that wasn’t it.  I WAS impressed by their cultured lifestyle and all that.  I just didn’t care about it in terms of them raising these boys.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited about it, it was that it didn’t even kind of enter into my mind when I thought about the surrogacy and how I was helping them to become parents.  I didn’t care.  I wasn’t judging them in terms of “How do I feel about giving these boys to you.”  Feeling ‘happy’ or ‘relieved’ at these boys living with P and J just never even occurred to me.  That’s when I started thinking about the difference between adoption and surrogacy.  If  I were adopting OUT a child – those things would be in my realm of thought.  I would be wanting to really KNOW the environment that my child(ren) would be living in.  I would be judging.  But these boys aren’t mine to give.  I’m not feeling terribly protective over them about who is their parent.  That sounded callous to me but it is hard to explain.

I DO care about the boys.  I mean, I am very protective over them as far as how this pregnancy goes.  I want them to be healthy and strong and I want the pregnancy to go well.  But their parents just ARE their parents and I’m not in a position to judge how great of a job they would do any more than I would be really happy that my friends’ children have gone to such great homes when they went home with their parents.  I’m not ‘relieved’ or even ‘happy’ to see these boys go to any specific quality of home because I’m not looking at P and J as rescuers of these boys that I accidentally got knocked up with.  SO – maybe that’s why I was struck with such a strong desire to just shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t know.” whenever she insisted that I must be so happy about them as parents.  It was disturbing to me because I felt like that was a slam on P and J as parents for me to not enthusiastically agree.  In reality, it was just a comment on my role in these boys’ lives.  I’m not creating children and deciding who to give them to.  I’m helping P and J to create their own children and the decision point – deciding WHO to help be parents – happened a long time ago when I matched with P and J.  Going back to there – what made me happy about helping them out?  Their commitment to each other.  The fact that they’ve been working on this for so long and have been committed to making it work in the face of loss and failure – even after knowing what loss felt like.  The fact that they were kind and beautiful people (based on a very brief phone conversation) that struck my intuition as genuine.  That made me want to help them.  Did I think even then that they’d be the best parents in the world?  Hehe.  No.  I thought they’d be just like everyone else is.  Making it work the best they can and being totally blown away by how hard and rewarding and frustrating and amazing parenting is.  But that comes after the boys are born – and that’s not really my part in this story.  (Although, it would be a total kick to be able to witness parts of it!)

I don’t know if I’ve really covered what goes on in my head from this topic.  I’ll probably think of something else along time way.  I just wanted to get it out there a bit to see what my writing came up with.

BTW – pregnancy-wise – OMG am I uncomfortable!!!  For those that told me the shit hits the fan with a twin pregnancy after 31 weeks, you were so totally right!  Heartburn, swelling, back pain, a nearly constantly hard belly, ligaments, you name it!  I feel so hot often that I could just walk around naked which would be good because none of my clothes really fit well enough to be comfortable.  Well, the big giant sweaters do but I would actually die from heat overload if I wore one of those.  I’m debating investing in some tee-shirts but then I don’t want to because I don’t know how much longer I have with this anyway.  I do hope that I can be strong and not start begging for the induction as soon as the boys are medically full term.  I can take it, right???  Just 5-7 more weeks??  Piece.  Of. Cake.

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4 Responses

  1. I actually just touched on the same sort of feelings on the ExpectMiracles board, while explaining why I’d be ‘pickier’ choosing IP’s if I was doing TS rather than GS.
    I think you are right on and I absolutely get what you are saying.

    Now coming from the perspective of carrying a sibling I now CAN say they will be fantastic parents and if anyone is able to raise 2 2 1/2 year olds and 2 newborns it’s them-but it’s not why I chose to carry a sibling for them.

    You don’t have to buy a crazy amount of clothes, but I would invest in 1-2 shirts that fit and are cool enough- you may even just want to go with a cami. You’ll wear them for a bit after the delivery as well and if nothing else you could use them as a nightgown later, especially since you’re still working. I had taken to just wearing a blanket most of the day, but you can’t get away with that at work.

    Each day will get a bit harder, but you’ll make it and it will be worth it!

    • How much fun would that be??? To show up at work with a bath towel wrapped around me?! LOL! I could do it up fancy with pins and belts and a nice pair of leggings, right?

  2. Go to WalMart and get their normal size active t’s, I got a handfull of long sleeve and short sleeve and the material is so thin and stretchy that they were my favorite both while hugely pregnant and now, firmly postpardum. Then it isn’t wasted money because they aren’t maternity and fit snugly, weather stretched over a big baby belly or sitting nicely on a regular tummy. And I didn’t find that i stretched them out either.

    As for the rest~ completely agree.

  3. That’s interesting.

    I also find parents-to-be kind of entertainingly naive now.

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