When ‘maybe’ is the best you’ll get

6 pounds 6 ounces plus 5 pounds 7 ounces equals 11 pounds 13 ounces of baby.  At 33 weeks and 4 days, I have to admit I’ve impressed the OB.  Not too many 33 week preemies born at 6+ pounds, let alone twin preemies.

I also think I’m pretty in the clear for delivering at my hospital of choice at this point since A) I’ve only got 2 more days to go before hitting 34 weeks and B) 6 pounds.  The other thing that makes me think that is because at the US today, they could not measure my cervix (due to baby A being extremely naughty and BREECH and apparently in the way of the uber see-through-everything US machine) and my OB didn’t even care.  He said that it wouldn’t even matter because if I were to go into labour at this point they wouldn’t really try to stop it.  Now I just have to deal with this whole ‘breech’ thing which I wouldn’t normally care about much at 33 weeks but it does prevent me from actually actively wanting to go into labour now.

I’ve been through the breech ringer a number of times.  In fact, the only child of mine that DIDN’T cause me some ‘breech’ concern was my 1st born.  All the rest spent plenty of time head up.  The only one that caused me major concern was my 2nd child, Anily, but that was only because it was my first experience with breech so it scared me more.  Now – eh – I figure they’ll turn.  I DID, admittedly, spend about 30 minutes laying at an ‘upside down’ tilt today which was pretty funny.  It is really funny to see a 40+ week (They didn’t measure my uterus today) pregnant person try to get into an upside down/laying position but I knew that back in 2003… well… not the 40+ weeks part.  It was funnier to note baby B’s reaction to not being the baby on top.  He was clearly not pleased.  A little crowded there on the bottom, huh buddy?  A, on the other hand, did move around from that quite a bit and I even managed to lose his egg-head from its prominent position on my left side.  Now there is another head VERY high up on my left side, more to the middle, andI’m wondering if A flipped down while B flipped up.  This would be fine with me since I only care about A being vertex but I don’t really trust either of them to sit anywhere for long. 

P, J, andI all got to tour the hospital today.  I’ve seen it before, having delivered there twice already, but I wanted to see this OR they are threatening me with so I was all for heading over.  It was also nice to see the accommodations that would be made for our circumstances with the two IFs and all that.  At first they were all trying to tell me I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see the OR.  Um, really?  I have to labor in a regular room, get carted at the last possible moment INTO the OR while in a state of labor where I’d really just like everyone to leave me the fuck ALONE so I can push out the baby, and I’m not even allowed to see what the room looks like or to know what to expect before hand?  Can we possibly be any more of a backwards society?  Really?  Does ANYONE ANYWHERE know anything about how labor and delivery even works in a delivering woman’s mind?  Or is it that they simply don’t CARE what works and would rather set you up for absolute failure from the very first moment you utter twin?  Anyway, as you who knows me might imagine, it set me off and I was ready to take down the ‘no you can’t see the room’ nurse right then and there.  Lucky for her, a couple of the other nurses offered to take us on the tour to just look at the rest of the place and while walking past the OR, decided to hell with miss bossy pants at the front desk and let me peek in through the windows to the OR.  The good news was that it was a much smaller room than I was picturing.  I’m still not big on moving but at least it isn’t this expansive gymnasium of echoing walls and bright lights.  The bad news was that ‘bed’ (aka, thin metal table) was NOT something I was ever, and I do mean ever, going to agree to sit/stand/lay/whatever on while 10 cm dilated and trying to use my womanly power of contractions and kegal umph to ease a little baby or two out into the world.  No one should ever have to give birth on the same piece of equipment from which autopsies are performed.  Sorry, not gonna happen.  It sounded from the nurses like they actually DO just wheel the L and D bed into the room which would be great… so hopefully it will be OK.  I have to admit that I’m having bad feelings about how all this could possibly go down.

OK, here’s the thing.  I cannot give birth while angry as hell.  I just can’t.  I need to focus and I need to do my own thing.  If my heart is racing and I’m pumping with adrenaline and shaking like, well, I am while I write this, I can’t focus on birth.  There are so many ‘might go wells’ and ‘maybe we can do thats’ and ‘we’ll have to sees’ that I cannot imagine everything aligning perfectly.  Add to that the fact that my OB plans on being OFF from April 1st to the 7th and I’d rather have a bad case of diarrhea while wearing white pants in the cafeteria at work while sitting at a table with my boss’s boss’s boss than be in the same room as any of the other OBs in his office even if I’m NOT in labor…. well… I really see one of two things happening.  1) Massive amounts of pain from a vaginal delivery that I would NOT have had to feel or be in if allowed to just give birth the right way.  Or 2) Bullied into a Csection that is only needed because things aren’t progressing and they only aren’t progressing because everything sucks… and part of 2 would be someone pulling out and using a vacuum extractor or forcepts and massively ripping me and causing major damage and pain in a vaginal delivery for the same ‘not progressing’ scenario.  (Just so I don’t look too callous, this wouldn’t be best case for the babies either.)  I just want to YELL that they cannot take away ALL means for me to possibly labor and deliver in the right way.  I was told once when I was upset about Anily being breech that she was breech because I wasn’t REALLY REALLY ready for her to be born yet.  As in, I was on the ledge about wanting to be her mom in the first place and thus she was breech because she knew I was lukewarm about it all.  After losing her it made me really MAD that someone would dare to insinuate that something like a breech baby was caused by me not being in the right mental state to WANT her to be born enough.  Still, it has me thinking….  is A going to stay breech until I either accept having a crappy, operating room, suck all the life out of me delivery as being just fine, or we just give up and schedule a Csection?

I know I shouldn’t get so worked up over it.  I know everyone has said they would do what they could to make it better.  I know too – healthy babies – trust me on that one.  I just wish the world would stop sounding so crazy to me and would stop doing things the way they traditionally are because, let’s face it, they are set up to traditionally be easier for the medical STAFF and NOT the person actually giving birth.  It’s all a big, ‘let’s cater to the real special people in the room that are doing all the real work of bringing these babies into the world’ and NOT ‘let’s cater to the woman in the midst of the miracle of giving birth.’  Old school OB, the way I see it, has been all about how to objectify the woman and turn her into a helpless birth victim and how to give the male OB the massive ‘birth’ power that otherwise would rest in the hands of the women of the world.  It has really been turning around a lot and I’ve had relatively beautiful births with my children… but clearly when you say ‘twin’… someone turns old school OB back on and I can’t help but want to scream that I am still in control of my own body to anyone willing to listen.  THAT, folks, would be why I’m so bent on not having that screen up if they do end up doing a Csection.  Blocking my view of what is happening is the ultimate of taking away my control.  They will cut my body and mess with me while not even letting me SEE what they are doing.  Don’t let that weak woman see what is happening.  She wouldn’t be able to handle it.  A Csection I can handle.  Having people force me into a role of being weak, helpless, and not in control I could not.

Well, anyway, as you can see, a lot goes through my mind whenever a contraction comes on at this point.  I’m uncomfortable as all heck (note 12 pounds of baby) and excited about them actually being born.  I’m nervous a bit about the breech.  I’d like to get to the birth and delivery to get this massive “it MIGHT go OK” out of my future.  Lastly, I still want to have 8 pound twins…. just because I do.  That might explain why it feels like my brain is playing twister.

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3 Responses

  1. If the babies don’t get to you, all of your worrying will! 🙂

    And I thought I had worry issues about the birth.
    It will all be fine in the end and then you’ll have weeks to think about how it could’ve been better.

    You’re doing great though!

    • I have to say, I don’t consider it ‘worry’. I consider it a legitimate concern over our society and how we deal with birth and how that will play out in the health of those directly involved in this. How very ‘womanly’ of me would it be to just ‘not worry your pretty little self about such complex matters’ and accept that it will all just be fine?

      No, I don’t consider it worry. I am more than ready to fight the good fight for the just and worthy cause. I just have to take pause in the knowledge that no one should ever going into a birth situation knowing that you will have to fight for anything. Birth should be a calm and positive and nurturing ambiance. I ultimately fear the clash of adrenaline and oxytocin and I hope that I can represent myself and my needs without causing labour to stop or bringing on unneeded interventions.

  2. Wow! Those are some big boys – congratulations (to you and to P and J)! Try to relax about all of the “unknowns”. Worrying won’t change anything, so you might as well relax and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy as much as you can.

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