Where does the story go now?

As much as I don’t want to kick the birth story off the top… it kinda has to happen, doesn’t it?  I’ll put together a surrogacy birth story page and copy it there though.

Today we finally made it out to visit Anily’s grave site.  It was nice that it wasn’t snowy and cold like it normally is back in February, but it was still very windy.  I’ve been learning my lesson though in how to get things for her grave so I picked up one of those flower holders that spikes into the ground this time.  I’ll have to get some pictures up of our trip.  I normally get her some purple flowers but this year I saw some really crazy neon colored daisies and I just thought a 6 year old girl would like those a lot.  I also got an outfit for her like I do every year and a card.  Kris picked up a board game as well.  I know, we might seem silly getting her gifts but I know it just gets donated so I enjoy doing it.  Jessie was quite jealous of the outfit for her but really, this girl has enough clothes.  As we left the grave site, Gavin stopped for a moment with his hand on her headstone and I could see him saying something quietly.  This boy can really be so touching.  Asher, on the other hand, wanted to run around all the headstones playing Duck Duck Grey Duck with them.  He was knocking off things people had left so Kris had to pick him up and carry him and he was NOT happy about that.

We also celebrated Ostara today.  I know it isn’t exactly the spring equinox today but things got a bit delayed and really, the kids don’t know the difference.  They still enjoy coloring and hunting down the eggs and their baskets.  The Ostara bunny, out of frustration with picking up the blasted stuff, opted to NOT put fake plastic grass in any of the baskets. Speaking  of it being spring now, it seems that I missed our MN summer while having a csection.  It was cold and snowy as my car crunched out the driveway on the way into the hospital, and it was cold and snowy when I got out.  Some people are trying to convince me that we had summer and it got very warm around the 15th and 16th or so.  Figures.

We would now be at 35 weeks and really, a much more respectable time to be going into labor, if you ask me.  Not much I can do about it but I do intend to talk with the OB at my follow up about risks of going into labor early if I were to get pregnant with twins again ever and what things we’d do to avoid that.  I think a lot of my guilt comes from two things.  One is that I was just so damn cocky about thinking I’d go full term because, hey, I’m a STAR at this, that I wasn’t taking it terribly easy in those last weeks.  This is such a stupid thing for me to think.  I mean, I thought that before I lost Anily and there’s something to teach you quickly that you aren’t above having bad things happen to you.  The other is that along with thinking that I wouldn’t go early, I didn’t want to go late.  To that extent, once I hit 34 weeks I stopped mentally shutting out the contractions.  I know – I can be a loon – but really, listen.  When I go into labor (generally with the help of pitocin) I use the contractions to visualize my cervix opening easily and things moving along.  Since I’ve done that, I’ve had easy deliveries.  Fast ones as well.  When it is ‘too early’ and I have contractions, I visualize that cervix staying shut tight.  Well, at 34 weeks I really wanted A (Emmett) to turn around so rather than mentally fighting the contractions, I used them to try to accept the possibility of them being born and to tell Emmett it was OK to turn around.

Um, well, it didn’t help Emmett to turn but clearly as soon as I stopped blocking out the contractions things moved forward.  I can’t help but think that maybe I shouldn’t have been so accepting of a 34 week delivery.  Then the logical side of my brain smacks the ‘wow that’s deep’ side of my brain and says to stop finding ways to blame myself. 

The boys are doing well as of the last report.  I actually took some time on Friday to head back out to the hospital and get a better ‘goodbye’ in since Tuesday’s was so sucky.  I was hoping (as rumor had it) that Gabriel would have been discharged then and rooming in with the guys until Emmett also got discharged.  That way there would be much cuddling potential in the guy’s room.  The staff had decided, however, to just keep the twins together and discharge them at the same time so Gabriel was not free of the nursery.  It was still a very great visit and we even ran a mock ‘car seat test’ so that I could get pictures.  Gabriel was down to 5 pounds 2 ounces, I think, and Emmett was down to 5 pounds 8 ounces, again, I think.  Hopefully they’ve been going up since then.  It really did my heart good to have that longer visit with them and I hope P and J know how much I appreciate the chance to just spend that time there. 

I received a call from the home OB nurse and I’ve gotta say, it seems to be universal that these people are not given complete information.  I had thought when the home OB nurse called me after Anily died asking me how nursing was going that it was an isolated event.  Some stupid oversight that no other hospital would’ve done.  Not so much, it seems.  The difference was that this call was exactly what I’d LIKE to see the hospital doing.  She called me and gushed over the boys’ weights and about how healthy they were.  She asked about how they are doing now and was amazed at how well they’ve been doing.  She congratulated me on everything.  Awesome.  Finally.  Then she ruined it all.  She said she assumed that I was nursing and asked how that was going (not how she ruined it) which made it clear that she didn’t know it was a surrogacy.  I explained to her that I had carried the boys for P and J and that I was not, in fact, nursing.  She started apologising like crazy.  THAT was how she ruined it.  She was so sorry for bringing up the boys and talking to me as if I wanted to talk about them.  Yep, so sorry.  It feels like they think I should be ashamed of not having the boys with me and sweeping all evidence of babies under the rug instead of being PROUD of what I’ve done and CELEBRATING the family and the boys.  Frustrating.

As for ‘nursing’, I think I’ve got that figured out.  I also think it was causing a lot of my ‘crying’ issues which have much improved.  I had called my mother to bring over the pump that was at her house after my sister had borrowed it on a visit there once.  I decided that just because I couldn’t get a lot, and just because the guys didn’t want it, I didn’t HAVE to not pump at all.  I have started pumping just every once in a while to keep me comfortable and that’s all.  Actually, by now, I doubt I’ll even have to pump again.  All together I only got a total of about 6 ounces from all the pumping I did but considering I only pumped 4 times total since the boys were born, that makes sense.  Also, it hasn’t gone to waste.  I’m hesitant to admit this to the web and all, but I ended up using that milk in my 2 year old’s chocolate milk sippy cups.  I just mixed it in.  You see, he’s been sick and he was having a hard time kicking it and I had this perfect anti-sick milk and… yes, I did it.  I have to say though, he never did run a fever since and has been much much better.  The only milk I didn’t use was what I pumped just after accidentally taking Vicodin.  Story to follow…

It seems the whole world knows that hydrocodone-acetaminophen is Vicodin.  I didn’t know that.  I only saw ‘acetaminophen’ and figured it was jacked up tylenol.  You know, like Excedrin.  They gave me a bottle on discharge ‘just in case’ so it was on my nightstand with my other meds.  What they didn’t give me was the 600 mg tablets of ibuprofen that I was taking in the hospital and for some reason it freaks out my brain to take 3 pills of the 200mg stuff even if it is the same amount.  So, in the interest of not taking so MUCH pain meds, I took one of the ‘fancy tylenol’ pills instead.  Um, ya, the warning on the package says to USE CAUTION when operating a car and I’m thinking that’s a little lax in my case.  I completely spaced out.  I would’ve sworn to you that I could HEAR the TREES outside growing.  That was my first, and probably last, experience with Vicodin.  I’ve stopped taking anything as of last Thursday and if I would stop being constantly on the go, I would probably be nearly back to myself now. 

Back to myself doesn’t mean back to my old weight, unfortunately.  I’m now at 199 pounds which, ya know, it’s great to be under 200 again.  I also was able to put on and breath while in a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans however my belly wasn’t really fitting in it so much as just being squished out the top and it was not pleasant on the csection cut.  I’ve considered doing another belly shot to show how crazy pregnant I still look.  I don’t really understand what it is, but my belly is clearly still very puffed out.  I’m also not impressed with the excess skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had excess belly skin for a long time.  In fact, I thought that I had had ENOUGH extra already that being pregnant with twins wouldn’t be that big of a change.  Not so, friend.  Unless there is a BIG change in the next few weeks/months of adjusting, I will actually have enough extra that it isn’t just wrinkly and ugly but it actually hangs.  That’s not good.  I’m hoping that is mostly due now to the csection scar and that as it heals and goes back, it will be more like it was before I got pregnant with the twins.  I obviously cannot workout again yet so that just means watching what I eat.

That’s all for now.  I’ll try to get some pictures up soon from the last few days.


2 Responses

  1. I really don’t mean to skip over important points in your posts-I just fail to remember all of the things I want to say as I get to the bottom to comment.

    It sounds like your visit for Anily was beautiful and obviously very important and meaningful for the whole family.

    Also glad to hear that you had a better hospital goodbye. Hopefully it will help you feel better about all the circumstances. You did great and I really don’t believe that it’s ENTIRELY your fault that they were born that day-some things ARE beyond our control.

    Under 200 is great, I have a bit to get to there! The c-section causes extra swelling, so it will take a bit longer for your belly to look ‘less pregnant’ than with a vaginal delivery. It’s hard not to be critical of ourselves after delivery though, especially when the baby is not with us and everyone doesn’t know that you just gave birth. Sadly, I found I still had a bit of a c-section scar ‘lip’ that I wasn’t quite able to work away the first time-it wasn’t visible in pants, but it was something new that I’d never had to live with before.

    Love the vicodin story!!

  2. Robyn,
    I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I think you have done an awesome job and I am so proud of you. Oh, yah, I agree that you should probably stay away from the Vicodin. It made your Grampa swear that there were rats running around the walls of his room. And Happy Spring. You didn’t really miss summer (yet). Mom

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