Gross

Well hello there.

For those that still actually read this.  Or haven’t deleted it off your RSS feeds due to inactivity.  I know I’m supposed to be posting more.  I thought I’d confess the real reason there aren’t many blog posts.  No, it isn’t Facebook.  Fun, yes, but only so much so.  FB can’t take my attention away from blogging and I admittedly spend more of my time on FB checking to see if that damn panda couple has decided to give a little panda baby or two to the ‘my zoo’ cause yet than actually updating my status.  Well… except with my kindle.  For some reason my life seems way more exciting when updated on FB through my new kindle.

Anyway, no, it isn’t really FB that keeps me away from here.  It is also not, I’ve discovered, this other message board for surrogates that I have found a lot of support and information through.  No, the real reason is because I post on here to share what I’m thinking in my head and I haven’t really been wanting to share that lately.  I haven’t been liking that much lately.  Between the cycling demands and the anemia and the ‘who the hell knows where motivation comes from anyway’ of my life I’ve not been living up to my standards.  I’ve been gaining weight and not working out and blech.  I feel disgusting and the pictures I’ve seen lately don’t help.   So the question is, what can I change?

Cycling = hormones = little if any weight change in the right direction.  My first time weighing myself in a LONG time was this morning and I was back up to 181.  Gross.  While much of the cycle curse is hormone related, it is also emotional.  We did a transfer back on August 28th and have been waiting and hoping for good news and what we got was ‘iffy’ news which eventually moved on to ‘bad’ news.  A beta of 6, followed by a beta of 19, followed by a beta of 14.  That 14 finalized the string of really sad beta numbers for us and to this very day I’m waiting to miscarry for what will be my very first miscarriage ever.  I have no idea what to expect.  All shots were stopped on Thursday and now Monday nothing yet has happened.

Obviously, I can’t do anything about not working out after the transfer.  It is too important to get that + result to risk fate by pushing myself in other directions.  I’m also nervous about my anemia (last tested on Thursday to be at 10.5) affecting the results so I have been allowing the red meat meals way more often than I normally would’ve.  On a side note, my hemoglobin number has gone up in the exact same steady rate from the point of the twins’ birth to today no matter what I do in supplements, eating habits, or working out so I’ve decided that I cannot give my body MORE iron and expect it to raise my hemoglobin faster.  Thus, I’ve decided to hell with all the red meat meals that are killing my health in every other aspect.

What I can do is to accept that if I don’t put in the effort to workout while cycling I’ll not only stay the same weight, but I’ll go UP.  And I’ll feel bad while doing that.  To that extent, I can make CERTAIN that I get to sleep on time (my biggest trouble) so that I can get a workout in the next day without feeling like I’m propping my eyes open most of the day.

I can also accept that while I feel like crap on a number of levels in this failed transfer with my IPs, I don’t have to wallow.  If I were ever in a pageant and there was a talent section, I think I’d have to showcase guilt.  I mean, damn, I’m GOOD at that.  You’d almost think I was catholic or something.  Not sure really, how one would go about that.  Maybe I’d stand and recite haikus on all the things I should’ve done better in my life.  I mean, you can know in your head that a single failed transfer is no big deal.  I know we will get there.  I know statistically it is, in fact, likely that out of two transfers, one will fail so we just move on the next one.  Still, every little bump feels a little like a cosmic message of “And you thought you were such hot shit.  This’ll teach you.”  But really it doesn’t.  I still end up thinking that I can rock through every little fertility obstical course and break records and do impossible things.  That’s what I’m signing up for:  to give these IPs the PERFECT pregnancy.  That, people, doesn’t include a failed transfer.  You can’t sign up to be the fertility lifeguard and help people manage the crazy waters of infertility if you’re not a pro and experts don’t fail.  But I did and yes, I’m wallowing.  So I do really need to kick myself back into gear with my regular life and keep it all on track.  We will still get there, even if I’m not perfect, and in the meantime it’d be best if I kept my own life commitments to myself.

I did get to the gym today.  (Note that I’m also blogging today – no real coincidence, I’m sure.)  I did the elliptical because I fear that I’m way too out of shape to do much good with running.  I got to use my new kindle while working out and it is SOOO much nicer at the gym!  It was an OK workout with a sucky weight check at the end but oh well.  I would like to get back to running but I’m just so BAD at it that it feels like a big old yellow highlighter on the ground that I’ve lost in my fitness from last year. 

So, on other notes, you’ve heard me mention the kindle.  Yes!  My IPs showed up in California for our transfer with this amazing gift in hand!  I’m over the moon about it and I don’t think I’ve left the house without this since getting it.  As awesome as this item is and as much as I’d like to spend a good 3 pages highlighting exactly why I love it so much, I will rather say simply that it is amazing that R and M could know me so well, in such a short period of time, to get something this special for me (not to mention GENEROUS!).  It is very touching how open these two are as people.  It is like they just fold you into their world and accept you as a member of their family – even if you are a bit pudgy around the edges.  And not perfect.