I didn’t, but then I did.

Yes, I will admit it, I talk to myself.  Generally not out loud but some sentiments really just flow better when spoken.  But only when you are all alone – I try not to be the crazy lady at the grocery store talking to the frozen fish.  The organic fresh mercury free fish obviously have more interesting things to say.

It seems my own self talk can be quite strong.  This past weekend, I set out in my neighborhood to do my 5 mile run without the treadmill.  I had mapped out a run that was 5 miles and was all set.  I got part way through it and lost my roads and didn’t know how far I had gone or how fast I was going and I felt beat.  I was running in my mind over how I’ll never finish it – I felt so weak – I was so far off course and couldn’t possibly keep running for the whole thing.  I started walking.  OH the shame.  Not QUITE as bad as the shame of being out in public wearing running clothing that didn’t match, but I felt so pathetic.  I thought maybe I was just running too fast and if I slowed down I could run the whole way.  I ran some more and stopped and walked some more.  I started saying I had to run at least the whole next block, I had to run at least to that mailbox, I had to run at least beyond where that barking dog might actually catch me.  (That last one was really much easier to keep doing.  Maybe a nice hint to someone trying to up your pace.)  I made it home and felt completely beat.

I went back to the running map and checked out what I had done.  I stopped running at ONE mile.  I walked/ran the remainder  of a total of 2.75 miles – out of the 5 I had intended to do I didn’t even make 3.  I was so discouraged.  The next day for my elliptical workout, I was tired before I even got on.  Today for my run – back on the treadmill – I couldn’t believe I was going to even attempt it again.

But.  I did.  And.  I ROCKED IT!  I got up to 6.0 MPH (my coveted 10 minute mile) and I was comfortable.  I could keep going.  I got to 10 minutes and I upped it to 6.1 MPH.  I stuck that out until about 18 minutes and did 6.8 until 20 minutes!!  6.0 again to ‘cool down’ (!!) until 25 minutes when I put it back to 6.1 and finished off at 7.0.  I officially did my very first (since the twins) 30 minutes 3 mile run!  Let me just say that again.  I ran 3 miles with an average of 10 minutes per mile.  The difference?  The whole time I was saying to myself  “Just this many more minutes at this pace.”  “You have to run this many minutes at this pace to bring the average speed up.”  “You’ve done this much so far and THIS is what I expect.”  So I did it.

So now my challenge is to be able to do the harder run without the treadmill telling me every little detail.  I KNOW I can run more than a mile without walking.  I KNOW I can finish off the whole course.  I just have to DO it. 

Of course, perhaps if I’d put a little more energy into picking something to wear out in public I might be able to spend less energy on the “They think you’re a sweaty homeless person.” self talk.

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