Tubes, sockets, and the best of intensions

Good morning!  So, I have been working out regularly again for a month with nothing serious happening to me.  No pianos falling from the sky, no wisdom teeth forcing removal and dry socket, no embryos attaching themselves to my fallopian tubes and trying to kill me via internal hemorrhage.  It’s all good. 

I’m depressed and motivated at the same time to see the ground that I’ve lost.  I knew I was gaining weight while trying to fix my anemia issues and dealing with surgery and transfer protocols and all that.  I just seem to have forgotten how far down I had actually gotten after the pregnancy and before starting IVF.  Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

So after my last post in September, I saw a hemotologist to go over my anemia that wasn’t getting better post pregnancy.  I had an IV iron treatment that instantly brought me up.  YAY.    I worked out a bit and then my jaw started hurting.  A lot.  I had one last wisdom tooth that was impacted.  A lot.  I had to have it removed and that was a pretty serious jaw surgery issue there which resulted in dry socket and pain.  That was eventually taken care of and then we started meds for IVF transfer #2.  We did this in December and received news at 10 days past a 3 day transfer that our beta was negative.  Sad sad and all that.  January came and I was back into my routine as I waited on my IPs finding a new egg donor.  I had an US at about cycle day 14 to see if there was fluid in my lining (persistent problem before and I wanted to see if meds were causing it since I wasn’t on meds that time.)  Well, I was spotting the day of the US so yes there was fluid but I had never been spotting before so my OB said it was not conclusive because actively bleeding means of course there is fluid.  I was working out again and discovered that I’d gotten up to 184 by that time.  Since I had been convinced that I was at least 190 before stepping on the scale, that was a happy shock.  Well, about 5 days after that US, I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible abdominal pain.  I ended up being ambulanced into the nearest hospital where we discovered I had a beta blood test for HCG of over 13,000!  I was pregnant even after that Dec. beta had been negative.  They did another US (5 days after the lining check one where no one saw anything) and saw a little fetus with a beating heart growing away in my right tube.  The IVF HAD worked, only in the wrong place.  My tube ruptured and was removed and I had them also remove the other one so that I would not be at risk for any more ectopics.  (And just in case, ya know, my husband’s TWO vasectomies ever decided to not work.) 

Newly tube free and post surgery, I waited a week and went back to the gym.  To find out I was now 186.  I’ve managed to stay on that routine since that time and am now down to 178 as of yesterday!  YAY!  I also had an US mid-cycle with my first post tube-removal surgery cycle and my lining looked totally normal and fluid free.  I also had my final HCG beta at that time and it was a 2 so… basically back down to 0 finally.  Somehow, hitting 0 HCG triggered my system to reboot my cycles and I had a non-ovulatory period.  I’m now in the middle of what is my first normal cycle since July of last year and we’ll see how it goes.  I’d like to do another mid-cycle lining check US in March to verify a normal lining again but beyond that, I’m thinking I’m FINALLY back to normal!  And about 20 pounds more than I want to be but I’m getting there.

I’ve been ellipting and running which is going MUCH better than it did back when I had the anemia to deal with.  I’ve gotten up to a 5.8 MPH running speed for the 3 mile and a 5.4 MPH running speed for the 5 mile run.  It isn’t easy, but I’m pushing to get back my 6.0 MPH (10 minute mile) speeds.  My knees have been sort of whining but nothing serious.  My foot got a blister from my first 5 mile run and my friends guilted me into a decent running shoe (I got New Balance) which I promptly ran 5 miles on and got another blister.  The upper insides of my arms have been rubbing raw on something… sports bra?.. tank top?.. while I run/ellip as well which I find strange since neither of these were issues pre-twins.  I’m doing the ‘ignore it and it will go away’ method of dealing with both issues at this time as it has worked so well for me in the past with running pains.

Surrogacy-wise, we’re on a path towards transfer #3 which I am TOTALLY PSYCHED is going to work!!  I think that this time off for my system from the meds is doing it wonders.  I also think that the tubal removed my tubes from the possible culprits list for the dreaded fluid-in-lining issues in the past transfers.  We may never know what was causing it but it is possible that the Csection with the twins somehow got a little blood from that surgery inside my tubes which altered their surface and caused them to start creating fluid in the estrogen part of my cycle, especially when faced with ultra estrogen from the cycling meds.  That would be consistent with the ectopic because the blood in my tubes could’ve possibly caused the surface of my tubes to allow an ectopic more easily.  Of course, ectopics are really pretty common in IVF and there is a delicate balance of timing of the cycle, the direction that your tubes are trying to encourage things, your tubes want sperm to go in before/at ovulation time, egg to go out about 3-5 days after ovulation time… doing an embryo transfer before your body changes tube flow direction encourages tubal pregnancies.  I never had a med-free cycle that didn’t have bleeding caused by the tubal pregnancy creating fluid in my lining to check on US.  There’s just no way to know.  Regardless, it is water under the bridge because this next transfer is going to work!!!  New egg donor, great eggs, new cycle perfect.  It’s looking like we MIGHT end up with the transfer in May based on egg donor stuff so I’ve got a bit of time to keep getting that weight down. 

It’d be nice to be able to wear my OLD old pre-pregnancy clothes before going to get knocked up again.  I think I’d have to get down to the 160s,  maybe 165, before the bulk of that fits correctly again.  I am today wearing my 2nd largest pair of jeans that fit me pre-twins.  Granted, muffin top…  but that is way better than having my formerly known as fat pants being slightly uncomfortable tight.  (That would be my 1st largest pair of pre-pregnancy jeans which now fit me perfectly.)

OH!  I almost forgot!  As of a few hours from now I will officially be a founding member of Lifetime Fitness!  HA!!  I know, and yes, they still suck!  The thing is, they’ve bought out all the other big full service gyms in the area and they are the best available for what I need/want.  I’ve discovered that purchasing a founder membership is really not all that hard and it will lock me in with AWESOME dues for not just me, but also my family.  With Gavin nearing the 12 year age, I’d have to go up to a very costly $100+ per month membership to allow him into the gym with my regular membership.  Now it will only be $45 per month for the whole family for life.  (My dues are currently about $59 per month for just me.)  I’m totally excited about getting this purchase – hope for me that it all goes smoothly today at noon!

SO – the question is – how much can I lose in March?  I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ll be stuck back on BCPs in April so I won’t count on losing much at that time. 

Everyone updated now?


Slowly, very slowly

I know – not many blogs.  Sorry about that. 

I don’t have time for a long post now either.  Just wanted to post that I’m wearing a pair of my old pre-pregnancy size 12s today!  I was wearing a pair yesterday and the day before as well.  Yay me!  Granted, they are tight – but nothing is ripping as I move so that’s good.  The funny thing is that they are all really tight over my belly.  My waist in general used to be the area that all my pants were loose on.  I am glad as it means there are still some effects of the pregnancy lingering around – having something other than me to blame tight pants on is always a plus!  I also FINALLY got 178 this morning so I’m pretty excited.  What are the odds that I can make 177 by Friday?

I can feel my strength coming back, albeit slowly.  At my 6 week PP appointment they drew another hemoglobin blood test and I came back with a roaring 8.2.  Ya, that’s a bit on the low end.  I can manage to keep my elliptical speed up to 4.5 – 5.5 more often than not at level 9 now though so it is coming back.  At the gym this past weekend I brought all three kids to the kids’ play place.  This was the first time I’ve ventured back with Asher for well over a year.  He did great!!  No crying or anything.  Jessie had fun as well.  I did get paged back to the childcare area about 20 minutes into my workout because Asher had a potty accident even though I TOLD them as I was walking out to remind him and bring him to the bathroom as it was a new and exciting place and him would probably forget.  It actually sounds from Jessie and Gavin that he was up inside the tunnels and couldn’t find his way out and was scared and calling for help.  OMG I hate their childcare quality.  When I was paged I was walking back from the elliptical and being very angry that OF COURSE they wouldn’t be able to deal with all three for a full 30 minute workout.  Hearing it was just a potty accident was good though because I could run out to the car and get his extra clothes and keep working out.  Since I only had 10 minutes left I decided to try out running for the first time.

Running:  I  AM  S L O W!

I finished off 10 minutes at 4.5 MPH.  That is frightening.  It was hard even and as much as I wanted to keep going and get in at least 1 mile for my first run I would’ve been on that treadmill for way too long.  Then I was sore.  Very sore.  Thankfully, not specifically my knees although they were sore too.  I need to keep stretching, especially that left leg, and I do need to get new shoes if I’m going to run more.  I don’t think it matters on the elliptical but the shoes I’m using were purchased in fall of 2007.

Yep, it is slow, but normal is creeping back up on me.

But, she seemed like such a sweet girl…

A little story from my gym this morning:

Two young, cute girls are at the lockers getting ready to head out for the day.  One has a “Lifetime Fitness” bag on the bench.

“Wow, how’d you get that bag?  I love it, can you buy those from here?”

“I don’t know.  I was just walking past this office and the guy asked me if I wanted the bag.  I said ‘For Free?’ and he said ‘You are just the kind of person that represents what Lifetime Fitness is all about.  I’d be honored if you would carry our bag.'”

(A few rows over there is me puking.)

OK, seriously, for real???  He knows all about her and that she is what Lifetime Fitness is all about just because she walked past his office?  I can see though, why a young nubile thing would qualify over some 30-something mother of 3 with a fulltime job that not only makes the effort to work out every day and to stay in shape when it is difficult, but has used the gym over the past year and a half while going from obese to fit and continues to do so in a twin pregnancy.  I can see how someone who works out to stay healthy even when it doesn’t give you so much a ‘sexy’ body but a stretch marked, saggy, healthy body that allows you to live life to the fullest, I can see how that wouldn’t be “what Lifetime is all about”.  Yes, I know, I sound bitter and YES, I know, I’m the LAST person on the planet that Lifetime employees would EVER consider handing their PR over to even if it was just to be seen walking around with a bag with their name on it.  Also, I’d have said no way to the guy had he asked so, ya know, whatever.  Lastly, I know he was just flirting with her and that it didn’t get him much because she apparently doesn’t even know his name so that part is kinda funny to me.

Speaking of the gym, you should be proud of me.  I’ve been at 186 for the last two days and I haven’t freaked out about it at all.  I’m certain the the leap has a lot to do with the delivery of the chocolate covered carmel corn from Gavin’s fundraiser at our house in addition to the fact that I did not hit the gym on Sunday or Monday.  I’m living with it though.   Last year on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in my weight loss journey, I hit my goal of 170 pounds.  I’m hoping next year by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, I’ll be under that but obviously this year, it is hard to compare. 

So the other day, after freezing for yet another full day, I gave up and went to purchase some warmer maternity shirts.  I didn’t want to spend much money, I just wanted something to keep me warm.  I cannot believe how cold I still am but short sleeved shirts aren’t going to cut it this winter.  I walked into the Motherhood store that is near my house and the girl that was running the store was on me like, well, a bored sales girl in an empty store. 

“Welcome to Motherhood, can I help you, are you looking for anything in particular, how far along are you, have you seen our super fancy belly pants?”  I’m not certain this girl breathes like a normal person.  I’m not a mean person… at least… I don’t THINK I’m a mean person.  I’m not a SHY person, that I know.  But there is something about gabby strangers that makes me want to hide.  I’m always so impressed with P because no matter where we go, he is always so kind and inclusive to all the people around us.  Me, not so much.

So I’m saying in my head “Tell her ‘just looking’.  Tell her ‘just looking’.” but out loud my MOUTH says “I’m looking for some warmer shirts to wear.”  OH!  I invite it onto myself, people.  Of course, she asks how far along I am and I say I’m 18 weeks and her eyes get big and I say it is twins and her eyes get bigger and I say it is a surrogacy and she melts.  She states that she wishes she could’ve known someone like me when she was having kids (BTW – she looked to be about 17 years old).  She said she had two kids and couldn’t have anymore and she was so sad about not being able to have more.  I did feel for her, really, but in lieu of my belly making me a walking therapist I really DID want to just buy some shirts and I was pressed for time as I was trying to sneak the whole trip into the time between leaving work and picking the kids up from daycare.  So I try to start finding shirts.

That is when she took me on a tour of the store to point out for me each and every long sleeved shirt in the store and to tell me the (obvious) features of each and every one.  IE – “Here we have a long sleeved shirt with a V-neck and that bunched look on the side in a green.”  OK, first, what clothing retail person high enough up on the chain to run the whole store by herself doesn’t know the term “rouching”?  I tried to help her out by offering the term to her but she kinda gave me a ‘deer in headlights’ look and said ya, whatever, that bunchy look is.   Next, I was so irritated at the time wasted as she pointed out every last color difference and neckline difference and ‘bunchy look’ difference she could find when I could CLEARLY just browse the store myself to see these features, that I was having a hard time being polite.  Thankfully, someone else came into the store so she left me to wallow in my own eyesight for shirts while she talked to this other person. 

In my ‘alone’ time, I picked up a bunch of XL shirts hoping that they would cover the expanse of belly that the internet showed me would happen.  I tried these on and some of them worked OK, others were just clearly too big above the belly and I could not use the XL.  The sales girl asked how I was doing and while I had LOOKED for the large of one of the shirts I wanted and didn’t see it, I risked a question by asking if there was any chance they might have a size of something in the back if it wasn’t on the rack.  She said no, but repeated to me 5 times about a sale they were going to have and that the size would probably be there.  She also looked at me funny and said “You are going to get a lot bigger though, aren’t you?  You sure you want a size L?”  I tried to explain that I couldn’t JUST get the shirts sized to the potential belly, that it needed to fit my chest as well, and she asked if my milk had come in yet.  Um, hmm.  I have to admit.  I REALLY wanted this person to go away.

While I was finishing up in the dressing room with the shirts I wanted, the person that had come in was talking to the sales girl.  She was talking about how she was looking for some pants that could fit her post-partum because she wasn’t back to her original size yet.  Then she said, and I kid you not: “I really have to hurry because my baby is out in the car.”  Um, it was FREEZING out and she is so soon after giving birth that she needs maternity pants and she LEFT HER NEWBORN IN THE CAR???  The sales girl said “You could’ve brought her in!” (Yay sales girl.) and she replies “It’s the first time I’ve ever brought her out so I didn’t want her exposed in the stores.”  Mind you, this woman has been in the store for a good 15 mintues already and is currently standing in a dressing room without any pants on so, ya know, she’s not planning on leaving any time soon.  Are people really this dumb?

So, I gather up my 4 new shirts and head to the register while ‘baby-in-car’ woman ponders her pants options.  After totally confusing the sales girl because I told her I didn’t want the shirts in a bag and she wondered how I’d manage to carry 4 shirts out to my car without a bag, I left the frightening store.  BTW – to her incredulous “WHY?” I answered that I don’t like to use the plastic and she gave me a funny look but to her credit she moved on to talk about how her and her daughter made bags out of old tee shirts from a Martha Stuart show even though she really really doesn’t like Martha Stuart.   ‘Baby-in-car’ woman was still in the dressing room when I left so I’m hoping she did, in fact, leave the store shortly after that.

Well, don’t I sound like a bitch today?   I’m sticking with the standard, it’s my blog so deal with it response to that.  For what it is worth, I smiled, nodded, made appreciative non-committal comments to everything the sales girl said to me and thanked her and waved goodbye on my way out so I’m pretty sure she had no idea I was pre-writing my blog in my head the whole time I was there.  Also for what it is worth, had I BEEN that sales girl, I’d have refused to allow ‘baby-in-car’ women into the dressing room again until after she went out to the car to bring the baby in.

On the brighter side of life

I leave tomorrow!!  No, it is not all sorted out at all.  They (my agency) just basically gave up and decided to have me out there the whole possible time.  I’ve got Sat to Friday planned but in reality, I’ll be home either Tuesday or Thursday I believe.  Or Wednesday.  Or Friday.  But really, they know what they’re doing so let’s all just trust them, right?  My husband took today off ‘to get ready’.  What exactly playing on his computer all day has to do with getting ready I do not know but I’m pretty certain the pool will not have been treated, the laundry will not have been done, the toys will not have been cleaned up, and the bags will not have been packed when I get home.  He might get his (Jessie’s) laptop packed up and he will probably have done the dishes because that is the job he does on a fairly regular basis.  I would not be shocked to come home and see himcleaning the garage because that, folks, is what he does every time I start trying to get stuff done.  All of the sudden, the garage because a hot topic and it needs to be cleaned.  Because, you know, all the people coming over for Solstice dinner or whatever are going to be sitting in our garage.  I’m hoping to wrap things at work up early so I can head home and supervise the ‘getting ready’ a bit.  Because, hey, we leave tomorrow!!  Yay!

I had an interesting revelation at my US the other day.  On a whim, I asked to have a copy of the report that they were sending to the doctor.  Well, the US tech had also put in the measurements of my ovaries and evidently, the US tech was having a hard time seeing the screen that day when making her measurements.  You can read about what she did over on the surrogacy blog site if you’d like but suffice it to say that I’m over the issue.  I went in and got a copy of the US I had back in April before our first transfer attempt and the results were totally normal so I’m assuming I’d have noticed if my left ovary had shriveled up and died between then and now.  Because why, I’m not sure, but it is easier to assume the 2nd was the mistake and not the 1st and since I don’t actually need my ovaries to both work I’m happy living in potential denial.  One thing to note, I’m kinda curious if the US tech did that because I had told her I was traveling to Canada for IVF because we were using donor eggs.  I don’t always go into the whole ‘gestational carrier’ story so that was easier to say.  (Like it was her business to ask in the first place but I guess small talk with the dildo wand is tough to come up with.)  Anyway, my point being, she had reason to think that my eggs were no good.  She had the US machine to measure my ovaries and with that in mind, I wonder if she measured small.  These are small measurements in the first place and a small difference in where you place that ‘x’ makes a huge difference in the results.

I will say that based on my recent Lupron induced menopause, I’m in no hurry to have those ovaries shut down for good. 

I have decided that my new gym is nicer and I’m glad that I go there instead even if it wasn’t for rude people screaming at me from the basketball court.  I have the running track, which I love even though I haven’t used it for awhile.  They have better stretching areas.  The locker room is amazing and so large and riddled with little individual mirror/counter/hair dryer stations in these little nooks in mazes of lockers that I’ve never and will never run into a problem with people using up too much of the bench or anything.  (I haven’t been running because I’ve been sucked into this book I’m reading and I can’t read and run at the same time.  I use the elliptical instead.)

There is only one thing that is a little different.  The place is a delicate balance between senior center and nudist colony.  By ‘delicate’ I mean… um… ya.  Maybe it is the location or maybe it is that this gym requires a more expensive membership to get into (which I only happen to have because I joined before they split the gyms into cost groups thus I was grandfathered into the system at the lower price) but 85% of the members of this gym are actually over 85 years old.  The men, thankfully, do not wander the public areas nude so we’re OK there.  The ladies, however, wander the very large locker room completely nude.  There is even a spa tub with a sign stating suits must be worn but they all hang out naked in it.  I actually didn’t think anything of them being in there naked until I saw the sign which means my only issue is that they are breaking the rules and I’m not certain why that bugs me.  My question is, why is the generation (or two, let’s not age me here) above me so totally uninhibited?  Why do I wrap a towel around my stretch marks and sadly dimpled skin while they wander freely with enough extra skin rolls to carry their shampoo in?  Why don’t they wax or at least for goodness sakes trim that bikini line? On the plus side, it is making me evaluate my uncovered self in a whole new light.  I mean, if you think you sag, there is nothing better than spending 30 minutes every morning watching 80 year old women walking around naked and as unconcerned as a national geographic poster to make you see just how youthful your body really is.  It is also, and this may be TMI, making me swear that just because I get old does NOT mean that I’ll ever stop paying attention to the whole pubic hair area because really people, the things that I’ve seen are just – not – right.

Meet you at the track

I will admit, I considered running outside today.  Then the bugs were in my hair as I was doing my morning garden watering like, well, bugs on a human in the warm morning grass.  I decided I don’t like nature all that much, which is odd considering my religion choice and all that.  I don’t know guys – maybe if there were a track where I knew how far it was and it was nice a scenic and all that.  Or if I had that nike+ thing which I can’t see happening until at least my birthday and even then, my lap top is dying, I need new running shoes, I’m in desperateneed of more top loading page protectors for my scrap booking (you jest, but these things are expensive!), and I could use a new camera lens for my Rebel.  Oh, and I dress like a bag lady due to my summer clothing not fitting me so I either wear very loose summer clothes or obviously winter items like my velveteen pants or a combination of the above.  What AM I spending money on?  My hair, apparently, and my kids.  Priorities are important though, right?

So I pulled into the parking lot at the gym and ran in.  I’ve managed to loose my card somewhere.  I think it is probably in the pocket of something that I wore last Saturday when I went in with my kids and they twisted my arm into I bribed them to be good by stopping at the cafe for treats.  Since I had my card out at the cafe to pay for the veggi sticks and mango slices chocolate chocolate chip muffin that the kids picked out, I probably blindly put it back into a pocket.  I could dig into the laundry basket to look for it but yes folks, I am THAT lazy that I’d rather just make the front desk guy look me up based on my name and see if the card is there when I do laundry this weekend.  

Here is what went down at the front desk:

Me: (after waiting for 2 minutes for the guy to look up to see why there is now a large shadow looming dangerously over the checklist of whatever he had in front of him) Um, hi.

Slow guy: Hi.  (Puts his hand out for my card)

Me: I don’t have my card.

Slow guy: Oh, OK.  (pause) I can look it up here. (pause) What is your phone number?

Me: 555-5555*

Slow guy: Do you have an area code?

Me: No I don’t.   Yes, but I figured I didn’t need to say it since we’re all so far north right now that I’d have an overnight bag if it was different from yours.  Yes, it is 555.

Slow guy: Whoa, not so fast.  (pause) OK, what is it now?

Me: 555-555-5555 (slower)

Slow guy: No, just the area code.

Me: 5, 5, 5

Slow guy: OK, 555, then?

Me: 555, 5, 5, 5, 5

Slow guy: Ooooooo… k.  What is your first name? (Because frankly, you look a little like your husband whom is also on file at that number so I just needed to check.)

Me: Robyn

Slow guy: OK, you’re all set.

Me: (against my better judgement) Do you happen to know how far it is once around the running track?

Slow guy: There are little signs on the ceiling that should say.

Me: Um, those signs used to say how fast you had to be going in each lane, but that was before the renovations.  They haven’t been put back since then.

Slow guy: They aren’t there now?

Me: (Do I look like I work here?) No.

Slow guy: You should probably ask a personal trainer then.

Me: I’d rather eat my tank top. Thanks.

So I did have to go play nice with one of the PTs and ask how far around the track was.  Turns out it is about 9.5 times around for a mile.  I ran the recycled rubber tires off that track at about 1:05 minutes per lap.  Granted, that may have had something to do with my desire to pass the other people on the track so I would sprint past them.  I’m sadly a little too competitive for my own good.  There was this guy that looked like he could probably be a pretty fast runner that was walking around the track.  Walking, yes.  And yet every time I went past him I picked up speed to look fast and cheered (silently, in my head) that I passed the young guy.  Then he got off the track and was doing stretches by it and I got a little scared that he was going to start actually running so I stopped sprinting past him. 

I do like the track running though.  It lets me set my own pace and I think I go faster on my own when I’m not trying to just set my legs to 5.5 or 6.0 or whatever MPHs. 

Today was “shoulders” day on the weights.  I wasn’t doing so uber with the weights this time so I think my shoulders are my weakest.  Plus, part of my shoulders, the muscles on the top of my shoulders that also go over and up to my neck I think, are the ones that I tend to pull and have to walk around without turning my neck for awhile.  I honestly think it is because of how heavy my hair is but either way, I was nervous about pushing that one too far.  You know, for someone who used to walk over to the weight machines without actually looking right at them and then nonchalantly sit down when I didn’t think anyone was looking, I’m awfully cocky now about using them.  Setting all the parts where I want them – oh – WHO turned that 5 weight off again?  It is funny how you change once you get used to something. 

Downstairs I was at 162 again but my bloated “I took my last flipping birth control pill today” body was happy enough with that. 

So, I talked with my IVF doctor today.  For the first time.  Ever.  I have been asking WHY they are telling me I’m taking BCPs to synch up my cycle when it is NOT actually doing any synching at all for awhile now.  Finally he called and he said that he did it because “You don’t know how many women I’ve had tell them they are very regular only to not get their period at the start of the cycle.  This way is easier.  You should know, it happened to you guys with the donor.”  Um, ya, but SHE was on BCPs and it didn’t help.  Plus, I don’t care how many women you’ve had that happen with, *I* am your patient, NOT your ‘uterus to carry the baby’ and I deserve to be treated as a real medical patient.  I have a stronger than normal breast cancer risk and I shouldn’t be taking BCPs for no better reason than you just don’t trust me to be honest about my cycles.  Then he says there is absolutely NO documented link between breast cancer and BCPs.  To which I said “Interesting.”  Just so you are aware, this is the same thing, in the same tone, that I say to my 4 year old when she tells me she is going to be Cinderella when she grows up.  With a magical wand.  And a pink castle.  Interesting.

We had a bit more of a chat and I told him that I’ve read from other carriers that he has a habit of treating them like non-patients (Um, I heard that from ONE, but still, it fit well in the conversation at the time.) and he got all offended and said that I was telling him he was doing a bad job and he’s never even met me.  To which I said “That’s the point.  I’ve got 5 months worth of prescription drugs here with YOUR name as the prescribing doctor on them for YOUR patient, me, and we’ve never spoken, not once.”  I also mentioned that perhaps it would’ve been NICE to have been prepped on some of the side effects and risks of things like Lupron and Estrace, not to mention how to give the shots in the first place.  To his credit he was gracious enough to say “point taken” and offer that they are working on the surrogacy program to have more doctor/PATIENT interaction with the carrier.  That, people, would be nice.

The wait begins for CD 1 and more Lupron fun.  If you think I’m loopy now people, just, you, wait.

* No, I decided I probably should NOT post my actual phone number here on the internet.  Something tickled my brain about that not being so very safe.  I probably could’ve though since our real phone hasn’t worked since the day Bush (either one) was a respected president by.. well.. anyone.  We’ll probably be canceling it and just using our cells.

ancient history

As I mentioned before, I’ve been doing some family tree research.  I started doing this back in 1996 or so just because I wanted to.  I stopped when I had more important things to do.  (Wedding, pregnancy, parenting, etc.)  I’m doing it again now because I’ve discovered that there is a line of Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Parkinson’s, and this weird form of dementia that has both Lou Gehrig’s and Parkinson’s symptoms as well as losing words and eventually all language and, ya know, death, in my family.  There is a possibility, albeit slim, that I have inherited a 50% chance at having this, and, in turn, passing on a 50% chance of having it to my kids.  As it stands, because it is unknown if I have it, they only have, what, a 25% chance?  Anyway, that is slim.  It is more likely that I have inherited the ABILITY to get this IF I have some kind of environmental trigger.   I have to go see a genetics counselor though to find out more and obviously, I haven’t done that yet.

As part of my genealogy research, I have found some interesting things.  For one, I can trace my family back to the Hiltons of England in the 1600s.  Apparently there is a Hylton Castle in England although I have not specifically traced the family line to the people that owned the castle.  Our Hiltons in particular came to America in the colonial days to Maryland (St Mary’s, to be exact) and from what I’ve read, the Hylton Castle Hiltons came to America in New Hampshire, not Maryland.

I’ve also traced us back to the McKnats of Scotland and the Pagels of, well, the Pagels of “marry your first cousin”.  Ya, it is a little disturbing to see the SAME PERSON show up in your genealogy research more than once.  Ironically, that is NOT the line with the health issues.  The health issues are from, it seems, the Germans that lived in Russia for several generations before coming to America.  (Where they settled in Nebraska and South Dakota, of all places.  Boring, boring, boring, people.)

My son gives me grief for being so fascinated by all of this, until I tell him the stories I heard about the people and places where they lived and why they moved. 

Have any of you traced your lines back?  Where are you from?

(BTW – 162 again today.  Gross.  I went to a new club (Champlin) since I was working at a different building today and it was a really old icky club but no one counted out loud so I was happy enough.)

issues, who’s got em?


Sorry, I’m not avoiding you on purpose.  I’m just dealing with… issues.

Health issues:  I’m genetically screwed.  Furthermore, evidently I set my kids up for the same thing.  I don’t know.  I have to meet with a genetic counselor to get the real scoop on things so until then it is just a matter of finding out as much as I can about my family history and popping powerful anti-headache medication.  Thank goodness this surrogacy thing isn’t with MY eggs.

Gym issues:  I’m neurotic.  OK, I know that.  I can’t workout with people gabbing behind me on the machines, I don’t like the janitorial staff to clean the machines next to me, and I can’t wear tee-shirts or anything with sleeves while I work out.  There’s the whole locker room locker / bench use thing.  There’s there guy coughing while ellipting behind me.  All of which can drive me totally nuts.  I tried to deal with the counting and I pushed and they pushed back and I got mad and pushed harder and they were meaner and I was meaner and, well, I’m way too angry at them to use that gym.  Talk about feeling like you’re walking around with a scarlet letter pinned to you somewhere.  The dumb counting part wasn’t even what got this so out of hand.  It’s that they keep being so crappy about it.  SO – I can’t go to the gym anymore.  Not by their choice – by mine.  Really I guess, I don’t WANT to go to that gym anymore.  Although, I am toying with one idea.

See, I want them to poll the members of the gym to get an accurate concept of how everyone feels about the counting.  I just want to know what that is.  You would think, being as THEY are providing the service, that THEY would want to know how everyone feels about it, but they do not.  In fact, they SO do not want to know that they told me that if *I* wrote up a poll and went around asking people how they felt to fill out the poll, I would have my account suspended.  I couldn’t even do it in the parking lot.  They said they have a website with a survey page for people to send in their comments.  (NOTE, I’ve done this three time prior to the ‘big issue’ and they never got it.  Hmmm… wonder if it is even hooked up to anything.)  I asked if I could make cards with the address for the survey written on them and hand them out at the club.  They said no and that if I did that, yes, suspended account.  People, they WANT members to fill out THIS SURVEY, but if I hand out cards with nothing more than the address TO THIS SURVEY to the members of the gym and thereby notify them that they can use that, they will suspend one of their customer’s accounts – because she went out of her way to notify people that they could fill out a feedback survey on-line.  Are you seeing those black and white spots in front of your eyes like me?

The manager (Scott Zappa, at the Coon Rapids gym BTW) told me that I COULD ask people what they think and I could tell them to use the website, I just couldn’t bring anything written into the club.  SO – my big idea is to go around asking people, on a scale of 1-5 what do they think about the counting.  3 is neutral, 1 is love it, 5 is Please oh please oh please make it go away.  In my big idea imagery, they tell me and I, because I have nothing to write with or any paper at all, say thanks and go to the next person.  The original person asks why I’m not writing it down.  I say “Because they manager here told me that if I recorded these stats or handed out anything to notify people of the website where you can fill out a feedback survey he would suspend my membership.  He told me he didn’t want me to tally or record how the club members feel about the counting.”  Other random club member says “You’d think they would care if they are making us all angry or not.”  I give ‘a look’ and move on.  Riot ensues.  See, I have no written material at all.

Anyway, they told me I could either piss off and use another club or wear headphones.  They aren’t planning on changing their counting at all.  The manager’s boss told me that they would be turning to face the wall rather than scream into the cardio area to try to keep it down, but the manager told me they wouldn’t be doing that and his boss never told him that.  Not that I think it would help, but it would’ve been funny to see them all with butts out doing jumping jacks and yelling at the wall thanks to me.  Anyway, where are those powerful anti-headache meds?

Birthday party issues:  Gavin will be having a party at Grand Rios waterpark with a small handful of boys.  I will be going with Kris and the two little kids.  That leaves the adults outnumbered by just enough to have catastrophic events at the waterpark.  I DID have two other athletic and nimble adults lined up to attend with us (with fully paid admission to the waterpark, thankyouverymuch), however those two ditched me at the last second and I’m very put out with them.   SO – if you are interested in attending our waterpark party with us to help corral some crazy boys, feel free to let me know.  Question, there is a 13 year old girl that was handing out flier looking for babysitting jobs in the neighborhood.  Do you think if I call her and ask her if she’d like to come it would help?  She’s not much older than the boys so she clearly couldn’t run around with them.  She could help with the little ones but I see them being shy with her and hanging on me anyway so I really need someone that can run around with the boys and, you know, keep them in the building.  I also need someone to bring me something for the headache.