Hey, I didn’t fall asleep ONCE while typing this!

Hello again!

I have to say, despite claims otherwise, I don’t feel all that awesome today.  The thing is, there is nothing specifically wrong, I just feel out of it.  If anything, I guess I’d label it as tired, which I most certainly am, but if that’s all it is, then I feel ‘tired’ enough that I feel short of breath lightheaded and headachy and my arm hurts and I feel some strange mix of really light heartburn or nausea or something that is not strong enough to be bad but still kinda sucks.  I was trying to explain this to my husband and he said “Well, you are pregnant.”  Bless the man.  It is his birthday today though so I’ll try to be nice.  Part of me wonders if this is really just my body’s reaction to the lack of exercise.  I just feel so weak – and in truth that is why I haven’t been talking much about working out lately either.  I just can’t seem to bring myself to get up early enough to get into the gym.  Plus I have to give myself that shot in the morning so when I veg out with the hot pack on my leg it is just too hard to motivate myself to get going and not, ya know, fit in a nap whenever possible.  I am constantly thinking I should just call in sick and go home and sleep but I THINK it would be bad to call in sick for 12 weeks.  And yet, it isn’t really bad.  None of it is bad enough for me to compete with the people that DO have issues in the first tri.  When you get down to it, it is ‘just tired’.  So when people ask, I tell them I’m doing fine.  I am.  I will also be very glad to hit 12 weeks though and hopefully get some energy back.  P and J, if this is any indication on how much energy these two are going to take to raise, hehe, you’re in for a treat!

On the shot front, there are 21 left!  1 more for tonight and then only 10 more days.

So, my son now has a cell phone.  His very own cell phone to carry around at school and wherever else he may go.  He informed me that he was told that he shouldn’t use the school phones to call me at the end of the day and I told him he would have to if he wanted to stop at a friends house or anything that wasn’t actually ‘home’.  I also really like the idea of him carrying something so whenever I feel like it, I can get a hold of him and know exactly where he is.  (Well, at least exactly where he SAYS he is, but he is young yet at 9 and I don’t think he’s up on the lying about that yet.  Plus, his phone has a tracking feature on the Verizon website where I can go and have him located.  Insert evil parental laugh here.)  Also on the verizon website, I set limits so he only gets so many voice minutes per month and he gets NO text abilities.  Hopefully this will keep him on the straight and narrow.  Shortly after handing it to him, he managed to download a game and send a picture to someone though so I have to check in with the company on those parental controls.  That’s all I need while I’m tired enough to face plant into the couch cushions while the little ones watch taped “Peep and the Big Wide World” shows until they start quacking and the laundry stays piled up in the living room… a 9 year old with the ability to take pictures and send them to my Mother-In-Law.

Speaking of my boys, my littlest one loves dolls.  Now, it may be that he loves TAKING his sister’s dolls, but all the same, he loves dolls.  There is this little cloth one that I found him with Sunday morning which means he must’ve gotten OUT of his crib at night (which I don’t think he does often) and gotten it, and climbed back in to sleep.  He asked for it again last night so I got it for him before leaving the room.  We got this catalog for the “My Twin” dolls and to be honest, they are equal parts fun and equal parts disturbing to me to see a doll JUST like your child.  I mean, talk about weird voodoo/chuckie thought lines there.  Anyway, Jessie would like one (that I might ask them to not make EXACTLY like her) and I was thinking about asking them if they make BOY dolls too for Ash.  I mean, if they are custom dolls anyway, maybe they could make one a boy.  It just seems unfair that he is stuck cuddling and nurturing only little girly dolls, although he doesn’t seem to mind.  I will tell you that it CRACKS ME UP to watch Asher take Jessie’s barbies and claim them ‘stinky’ (our word for needing a diaper change) and proceed to change their diapers.

Free quarters for everyone!

10 Weeks today.  1/4th of the way done.  I was at a big work gathering and I happened to sit next to two pregnant women.  One was clearly pregnant, and due in November, the other was not clearly pregnant.  She was due the week after us.  I would have loved to have skipped out on the whole presentation (which was boring and all about Centerpiece like always) and just talked with those two. 

A bit about that presentation.  They had an awards section where they gave out the CIO awards.  It is ALWAYS something to do with SAP.  I don’t really understand the background of this stuff, but clearly there is a particular group that is more visible than others and they are always the ones getting the awards.  For this particular one, there were a few overlaps even, of the people on the different teams so some people got 2 and even 3 of the same ‘exclusive super special really hard to get’ awards at the same time.  Bah, it drives me nuts.  Also, they had a question section and they were talking right before it about how important collaboration between all the IT teams is and I REALLY REALLY wanted to stand up and ask just how I was supposed to collaborate so well with the other IT people, or even other NON IT people, when they just took the #1 tool I USED in that, the cell phone, away from all of us?  No one ever answers their desk phone and now when I have a question for someone, I have to either leave a voice mail or send an e-mail, neither of which are very good problem resolution modes of communication, and then WAIT and WAIT for an answer.  It’s not even so much about MY phone (which I’m irritated about anyway), but it is about all the people I need to contact whom I now cannot.  We’re supposed to be “The Best” IT group in the world???   Um, without cell phones though.  Those are too extravagant.  I wanted to ask, but I chickened out.  Not really what I would consider a choice career move to throw controversial management decisions up in their faces during the presentation, I don’t think.  I AM now a member of the new “CV IT Communications Committee” so maybe in that regard I’ll whine about cell phones and communication to those poor people.

Anyway, back to the 10 weeks thing.  I’ve pretty much gotten my current clothing situation figured out with things that I can wear.  The drawback (and this might sound dumb) is that now that my pants don’t feel tight, I no longer feel like I’m growing exponentially faster than I had in my previous pregnancies and THAT makes me nervous.  I even had someone yesterday comment on my weight loss and how great I’m doing.  I was like, really?  You see the baggy clothes that I’m wearing, right?  These progesterone shots mean that even if something HAD happened, I’d never know.  I do hope that both of these little beans (Tilly and Tango, BTW, are their fetus names as per J) are doing well.  I wish I had some way to know.

Speaking of progesterone shots (and they are never far from my mind), I’ve been torturing myself by looking up information on when the placenta is formed and takes over and when OTHER people get to stop the shots.  While it is true that many many many people have to take them until 12 weeks, there are plenty of people that stop at 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, and yes, even 6 weeks!  The news online about the placenta is that GENERALLY, by the 6-8th week it is formed and working.  The whole 12 weeks thing is just to cover all the stats and what-ifs and everything.  I’d say the curve has most people stopping at 12 weeks but wow do I envy the 10 weekers!!  I’ve pretty much given up on the concept because I don’t believe that my body will test with a high enough P level to have the docs OK me going off.  For that matter, I’m almost a little worried that quitting cold turkey at 12 weeks will be too big of a jump for my system with the 3ccs per day and my historically low P production.  I know that if I was on the lower amount from the beginning it would be OK, I’m just nervous about the big, sudden drop.  So… I do the shots and it is sooo much harder now when I don’t really think A) it is helping anything and B) I even SHOULD be keeping up to such a high amount.  I kinda want to go in to get another P test now that I’m at 10 weeks and should, theoretically, have the placenta helping out with progesterone.  I haven’t asked though because of that whole giving up on it and not wanting to give off the impression that I’m some cold-hearted mean lady that selfishly wants to stop giving herself shots a few weeks early.  Every time someone says “Well, we know no one wants to jeopardize all you all have worked for.” it makes my hypothetical tail curl between my legs.  Of course I don’t want to.  Actually, I’m a bit concerned about the whole thing.  But they (docs) say it every time and I feel guilty every time so I’ve decided to stop bringing it up.  So there.  I still torture myself with google whenever possible.  (“AHH!  She stopped at 8 weeks??!!”)

Hot Mama Pants

For being as spendy as they are, I’m a little weirded out by the fabric of these new pants.  I kid you not when I say that all I need is a mustard yellow V-neck shirt and some shiny black boots and I could be the captain of a Constitution class starship.  The bonus is that they are REALLY comfortable.  They are designed to be worn through all of your pregnancy, from, well, now until, well, from what I understand with twins, until when my belly and I will need to negotiate who gets to be in the shower first.  The drawbacks are two.  1) There is NO butt love in these pants.  That may sound worse than what I meant so let me explain.  The top part is just more of the bottom part going up until it reaches my ribcage.  Presumably by the time my belly is larger, I will no longer be rolling the waistband down so as to not overtake my bra, but there you are.  A giant unitard does NOTHING to enhance the appearance of your rear.  The sales girl was speaking honestly when she said to never wear these without a shirt that can cover your ass.  2) The fabric is painful for an IVF pregnancy.  Assuming that if you did IVF you are also giving yourself shots.  I don’t know what it is about those shots, but the areas on my thighs and my back hips where I get (give) them feels like something is catching when the pants move.   So there you are, my review of the Hot Mama store pants.

anxiety

My children are trying to do me in.  For the last week, Jessie has been clearly upset about going back to preschool on Friday.  She’d cry and cover her face every time it came up.  Well, today was THE day that she went and she howled all the way there and clung to me like an orphaned baby gorilla to the fur covered wire ‘mom’.  I peeled her off and put her in the arms of one of the teachers who held her by the window so she could wave goodbye to me.  Really it was more of a reaching out with all her might hoping I’d grasp her hand and pull her to the safety of my car, than a wave, but I think we all enjoyed it.

After I was at work for awhile this morning, I got a call on my cell.  I was honestly thinking it was Jessie’s school and that she had continued into a melty pile of drool and tears and they wanted me to come get her.  It was not.  It was Gavin’s school calling to tell me that Gavin was marked absent for the day.  The same Gavin that I hugged and said goodbye to at 8:30 just before bringing Jessie into school and reminded him that he had to leave soon (9:00) for school.  Now, if I don’t feel on edge enough about this new found responsibility for Gavin, I’ve got the school social worker calling me and finding out that I THOUGHT he had gone to school.  Yes, I feel like a rotten parent.  They’ve called our house and no one has answered which really does throw me because I evidently still think Gavin is a simple little child and would answer the phone if he were there.  I do not think he is a seasoned little hooky playing pro that would let the phone go while the world is trying to find him.  With images of Gavin laying mangled on the road and wondering if I could call the police with a missing person report so that THEY would check all the hospitals for a 9-year-old john doe admitted, I jumped into my car and headed home. 

Upon arriving home, I see two cars in my driveway.  The principal of the school and that same social worker had driven to our house from the school to look for him.  Now, I’m amazingly touched by this, very very grateful, and BEYOND embarrassed thinking they will want to come IN the house and see how messy it is.  Plus, they note that his backpack is in the kitchen so they’ve seen part of the house from the back door.  O – M – G.  Bad parent award nailed.  I run into the house (they courteously hang out in the driveway, THANK GOODNESS) and look for my precious boy.  He is sitting on my bed with my laptop playing on the computer.  No blood anywhere.  Not even a scratch.  Now, yes, this is the BEST possible outcome for the event, but now that I know he is safe, I’m gonna kill him.

He says that he wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t go to school and I say you can’t just NOT GO, you have to call people.  The PRINCIPAL is outside our house right now looking for you.  I run outside, tell them he is safe (sort of) and that they can go.  I go BACK in and make sure he is getting ready to go to school.  Because he will be biking home, he will need to bike in, but I’ll be following with the car to make SURE that he makes it all the way there.  I walk into the school with him and he is very sullen.  We go to the office and check him in and the school nurse (whom hates me because I threw the Minnesota Civil Liberties Union at her because of her ‘In God We Trust’ poster in the nurse’s office) makes a huge deal about it and more specifically about ME and how I’m being so calm and have I even TALKED to him?  Then she says that Gavin AND I need to go talk to the social worker about what he just did.  Oy.

Well, the social worker’s office is across the hall from Gavin’s classroom.  The kids are not there, they are at gym, but his teacher is in the room doing something.  The social worker’s office is closed so I get to talk to his teacher while dropping him off.  She makes me feel better right away (Although I still feel bad) and I love how she talks to Gavin.  I explain that I think he has spelling test-itis and she said she thought that was probably what was going on.  I do hope his test goes well but in truth he refused to put much effort into practising as he is convinced that he can’t learn the words.  Ya, gotta figure that part out.  Well, the social worker is too busy so we can’t talk to her and I have to get back to work.  Gavin really wants to just join his class – I’m certain he didn’t understand what a huge deal it was to just not show up to school.  We decide he can go to gym class and meet with the social worker person later.  We (the teacher and I) walk him out to the field where the class is playing soccer and I head out.  BTW – on my way to the car I watch him run and play soccer in the best of health.  Ya, spelling test-itis.  Gavin will be quite grounded for awhile but I do hope that is the end of it from the school.  I’m pretty sure that if the school nurse could make my life difficult, she’d jump all over that.

SO…. there I am in the neighborhood of the preschool and it is still lunchtime from work.  I can’t help but to steal some time to head over to the preschool and see how Jessie is doing.  I’m planning on covertly observing her.  It does work as I find a place to stand where I can watch her in the reflection of the window on the door and she can’t see me.  She’s doing wonderfully and eating lunch and having fun.  She even told her teachers happily that she drank all her milk and they gave her some more.  Then it was outside time and all the kids were sent to the hall to get their shoes and, um, I got caught.  I was scared that if she saw me it would be abandoment city all over again but I just held her hand as she walked in line with the kids to the door to outside and she waved (a real wave) goodbye to me as she ran outside to play.  Ug girl, why all the dramatics earlier???

So, I DID get my pumpkin coffee yesterday, but I got the decaf.  I couldn’t manage the caffeine, or, more to the point, I couldn’t manage the caffeine guilt.  Too much parenting guilt in my system already.

We are 9 weeks today.  Countdown on the shots is only 3 weeks left!  I am soo looking forward to it.  One of the BEST parts about not doing the shots will be the time I get back.  I HATE HATE HATE sitting reading in my bed or whatever after I’ve gotten the kids to sleep and they are really asleep when I want to just shut off the lights and go to sleep but instead I have to get OUT of bed, prep my shot, and do that.  Since our next appointment is in just under 3 weeks, I do not believe we will be tapering off.  I think it will just go from 3ccs one day, to 0 ccs the next.  I’m not sure what I think about that but in light of all the other chaos from today, I’m not gonna sweat it much.  That nurse at the school thought I was being so calm and cool.  She doesn’t know me very well.  I always look like that, even when I’m so anxious I could turn my head inside out.   Especially in a case like that though.  I mean, I was anxious on my way home to find out what happened to him.  By then, at the school,  I knew he was safe and that was the big thing to me.  Maybe not to her, but it was to me.

Only 43 shots left!

Last night was brutal.  Up twice to go to the bathroom and 3 times to coax the 2 year old back to sleep.  I’m starting to get uncomfortable sleeping on my tummy so that bugs me and to top it all off, my 9 year old comes running in this morning saying ‘MOM, we have to go NOW, what are you doing???’  Um, see, last night he told me that his teacher told him the community picnic was from 5AM to 7AM.  I thought he was kidding.  I never ever would have taken that seriously.  I laughed and said “OK, we’ll be there bright and early.”  This morning?  He wasn’t kidding so much.  I had to spend the morning calming down a freaked out Gavin because we were MISSING the picnic that started at 5AM.

This morning?  I’m seriously contemplating using my caffeine allowance.  Plus, the coffee shop across the street has their limited edition PUMPKIN coffee drink out so… hmm… maybe.  I love the fall.  Not only do places start putting out their pumpkin flavoured treats which I love more than chocolate, but the apples are in season, the pomegranates start being sold, and I also think persimmons start to come out of hiding.  Other than the food, I love the weather, I love being able to wear cozy warm clothes, I love the trees.  Oh, and I love my birthday! LOL!  I know I’m not supposed to like getting older but I can’t help it.  I still love when my birthday comes.  Not that I ever really do anything these days, but it is still fun.  The kids get such a kick out of mom and dad having birthdays.  Mmm pumpkin coffee, I can stay awake for that.

I blogged about this over on the other page, but tomorrow marks my 100th shot.  Sort of.  That’s not including the Lupron shots or the PIO I did from the last transfer cycle.  My sharps container is getting REALLY full but I kinda want to get a picture of ALL the shots I’ve gone through when it is all said and done so I don’t want to turn it in to empty it yet.  I may have to just ask for another.

Just for fun:  An 8 week 3D ultrasound picture

See, I can be nice to sales people AND school teachers sometimes.

I just bought a pair of maternity workout shorts.  They were over $50 once shipping was put in.  Yikes.  Yes, a monopoly will give you a nice markup.  Seriously, I looked many many places locally for workout gear for pregnant people and I couldn’t find anything.  Yes, I could just wear my short from when I was bigger, but… they don’t really fit right and if they fall off while I’m at the gym, I’ll be very unhappy.  I’d also be nearly nude from the waist down in a very public place and while that may seem obvious if my shorts had just fallen down, I think the tragedy of it warrants specifically pointing out the horror.  Plus, when I’m really bigger, they won’t go over the belly at all.  (Well, yes, they would, but by doing so I’m pretty certain that I’d have a snuggy to end all snuggies and really, how attractive is that since none of my tank tops are long enough to cover my rear?)  Add to this the maternity gear that I purchased yesterday after find with glee that I was working just a short trip down the road away from a very nice maternity clothing store, and you get a rather lot of funds spent on clothing.  Yes, I’m ashamed to admit this but I was getting so tired of pulling my old standards out of my closet and not being able to wear them.  The good news is that all of these things should be able to manage through most if not all of the pregnancy.  (I was warned by a very nice lady online that the 3rd trimester in a multiple pregnancy tends to have you look like you are walking around with a 5 year old attached to your belly and MOST maternity clothes will not make the cut at the end.  I think she suggested stocking up on classy looking beach towels and learning how to tie a decent toga, but perhaps I’m not remembering that right.)  The bad news is that it looks enough like maternity clothing that if I were to wear any of it to work, the coworkers here that do NOT know what is going on, and that is most of them, will probably figure it out.  I don’t really mind if they find out, I guess.  It’s just that the factory here can be rather rumor-y and at the moment I prefer not standing out all that much.  (Did I really just say that?)

I do have to share that while at the store, I mentioned to the girl that I was having twins so whatever I got would need to accommodate that.  She was asking when we found out it was twins and I said it was IVF so we knew pretty fast.  I also mentioned something about my children at home so she asked how many I have.  I said I have 3 kids and to her credit she looked totally non-shaken but she did say “So this is number 4 and 5 then?”  Well, not really.  I’m being a surrogate so they aren’t coming home with me.  Hehe.  She did admit after we had been talking that she was a little confused why we had 3 kids and were doing IVF.

Speaking of workout shorts, I have the cure to office butt.  Yep, get pregnant.  I’m not sure, but I think your butt has the job of balancing things out so that your belly doesn’t make you fall over on your face.  That, or it is just a special trait of my hormones alone.  It is really hard to tell but I’m pretty certain that my behind has never been so very rounded before. Don’t worry, I have no intention of posting pictures to get your opinion.

The day before yesterday, I attended a parent meeting at Gavin’s school.  The other school never had this and I have to say, it was really fun.  Not only did I NOT get into a fight with the teacher, but I knew one of the other moms there ahead of time (Gavin’s cub scout friend’s mom) and I got to sit and talk with a friend.  (Um, that would be Gavin’s cub scout friend’s mom.)  So far I still really really like Gavin’s teacher, and that is not at all because she keeps telling me that Gavin is doing great and is fitting in really well.  Um, OK, maybe it is because of that a little.  Plus, she has cute hair.  At this meeting, she was talking about how this year is a real transition year for the kids to gain some responsibility.  We can really see that in our house since Gavin has to get himself out the door on time.  She also said that if the kids come in and claim their MOM forgot to put their homework in their backpack, she’d get on their case about how it isn’t their MOM’s homework or backpack or school or job.  She said that if the kids DID the homework but left it at home, they would have to spend recess time re-doing it so that they don’t forget it at home the next day.  Yep, I like her.  So yesterday morning I very much on purpose LEFT Gavin’s homework sheet on the floor in his room where he last had it.  I also LEFT his homework folder sitting out on the table and not in his backpack.  (The mom in me DID set it right on the edge where it was highly visible from the entryway where Gavin’s backpack is.)  I told him several times before leaving that morning that he had to get his homework from the floor in his room and put it in his folder and put that in his bag.  He said “ya ya ya, I’ll do it.”  In the phone call to him before he had to leave I also reminded him about his homework.  At the end of the day when we all got home I asked, did you remember to bring your homework?  He grins sheepishly and says No.  Did you spend recess redoing your homework?  Yes.

What do I bring?

The other day, one of the search phrases that brought people here was “preparing for a stillbirth labor, what do I bring?”  Now, yes, it was mixed in with “kids that look over the booth restaurant”, and “locker room naked” which gets a disturbing number of search hits, but of course it caught my eye.  I was one of the lucky ones, I guess, if you can call it that.  I didn’t go into labor or even into the hospital knowing that I was going to have a stillbirth child.  Well, I had an idea that things weren’t good due to all the blood I was losing, but the ever faithful American going into our hospitals that I was, I fully thought whatever was happening could be handled.  Without a dead baby.  I’ve since stopped being so naive.  When I hear from people that knew ahead of time that their baby had died and they weren’t in labor yet, it is so sad to me.  To go into the hospital, slowly walking, knowing hours, days, whatever before hand that you weren’t going to be bringing that baby home, seems to me like torture.  Thus, the idea of someone searching on the internet for what to BRING to such a delivery breaks my heart. 

That said, what do you bring?  Well, my advice is to bring anything you can to remember your baby by.  A camera, a baby book to stamp foot and hand prints in, maybe one of those kits from a craft store where you can make 3D copies of baby’s hand or foot.  Bring an outfit for your baby, if you can get one small enough depending on how far along you are.  There are organizations that specialize in making tiny tiny outfits for the stillborn preterm babies.  Bring a journal for writing whatever you feel like writing.  Then bring anything you would bring for yourself to a normal delivery because you will be giving birth and physically you will be going through all the same things.

That leaves me to wonder… as a surrogate, would what you bring be different?  Of course, you won’t have the baby stuff.  I don’t think it would be that much different though.  Actually, the bigger difference will be the lack of the 80 thousand family members that I always end up with.  The hubby has a large family and I usually have in-laws taking up the entire wing of the hospital.  P and J have said that they aren’t interested in having too many people there with them in the hospital, prefering instead to have family meet their babies after they make it home.  I know that my kids will miss me and want to see me, and perhaps P and J will be OK with them meeting their new little ones.

As for you, naked locker room search people, hopefully you are not finding what you are looking for here.  But if you DO find what you are looking for, feel free to drop me a line and send me the link.